


Good Evening

by catboast



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Some Fluff, Some angst, other nct members appear in minor roles, some godly interventions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-05-28 11:39:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15048101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catboast/pseuds/catboast
Summary: From generation to generation, Renjun’s family has served as messengers of the gods. At 6 years old, he has his first encounter with his guardian deity. At 13 years old, he takes over his grandmother’s role as the spiritual leader of the village. At 19 years old, he’s succeeded in creating a mask for himself, beautiful, remote, and as cold as stone. Yet a fated meeting with a certain city boy on the night of the sacred festival will topple his world and make him reconsider his dreams.Alternatively: Lee Jeno doesn’t understand understand why he’s stuck in this village without WiFi, but then he meets the most beautiful human being on Earth and may or may not fall head over heels in love.





	1. sun & moon

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this came after watching Kimi no Kawa and that’s the (very loose) inspiration for Renjun’s role as priestling.
> 
> This fic has a playlist if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwyVgEkl95Ic3edxXWDCPyFxcEPIlBil1

The temple bells can be heard outside, chiming softly in the wind, as Huang Renjun slowly peels back his nighttime dress and steps into the tub. He shivers at the first contact with the ice-cold water, but steels himself and slips in further, until he’s sitting with the water up to his waist. Laying back and closing his eyes, he concentrates on remaining imperturbable when his grandmother pours water over his shoulders and several of his relatives begin to scrub his body with sponges.

The cleansing ritual is a sacred tradition. It takes place at sunrise and marks the start of the annual Gyeongshin festival. While most villagers experience the festival solely as a time of joy and beauty, Renjun’s responsibility is to carry out the sacred rituals that have been carried down through generations of his family, as the spiritual leaders of the village. As the water runs down his back and his body is thoroughly cleansed of dirt and grime, Renjun is reminded by his grandmother that today he will lead their call to the gods for a good harvest, safety from natural catastrophes, and prosperity for the village. It’s the most important moment of the year and the fate of the village for the coming year rests on his shoulders.

He steps out of the tub carefully and lets himself be wiped down by firm hands. He can feel his senses already beginning to fade out, barely noticing the brush of the towel against his skin. Even the flash of a smile from his cousin, Minhyung, isn’t enough to break the serious and solemn expression on his face. This is Renjun’s mask for today, as it has been for the past six years. Ever since he overtook his grandmother as leader of the religious ceremonies, at the age of 13, his life has not been his own, but rather the gods’ and he’s learned to keep his own emotions under lock and key.

They clothe Renjun in several layers of colourful robes and silks. He sits and stops himself from fiddling with the ornament on the end of his sleeve as his aunt does his makeup and his grandmother clucks and mutters to herself while smoothing down his hair. Finally, Minhyung places the headpiece on his head and gestures for him to go look at the result.

Standing in front of the full length mirror, Renjun doesn’t recognise the person in front of him. He’s dressed in deep amber robes embroidered with intricate gold designs. His face is pale, covered in a thin powder, his lips coloured in full red, and his chestnut eyes lined with dark charcoal. Atop his black hair sits the traditional headpiece, a round ivory disk to represent the moon and long metal tendrils from which hang strings of beads. Renjun thinks that he looks rather ethereal, as if from another world. It’s clearly marked from his appearance that he is the messenger of the gods.

“Good job everyone,” his grandmother sincerely thanks the members of the family who helped with the preparations. She turns to Renjun, surveying her grandson and reaching out to smooth out a crease on his robe. “You must do well today, Renjun. The gods are counting on you.”

He nods solemnly in reply and at the same time hears giggles coming from behind the door. He turns around as it opens and his younger cousins, Jisung and Chenle, make their way in boisterously. They stop and fall silent when they see Renjun, their jaws dropping.

“Renjun-hyung, is that you?” Jisung asks in disbelief, rubbing his eyes in mock horror.

Chenle elbows him to shut him up and he’s blushing lightly when he looks up at Renjun, “You look nice, hyung. I’m sure you’ll do great today.”

For the first time that day, Renjun cracks a small smile. “Thanks, Le,” he says as he ruffles the younger’s hair. “I’ll do my best.”

“Shall we go? You’ve got a long day ahead of you, Renjun.”

Renjun turns towards Minhyung, who’s also dressed in a traditional dark blue hanbok, contrasting with his out-of-place bleached blond curls. He’s holding out his elbow for Renjun, who gladly slips his arm through his friend’s. Arms linked, they exit the room, everyone else bowing their heads in respect.

They move outside and walk along the wooden floor surrounding the ancient house. The morning breeze is soft with promises for the day and the trees rustle in excitement. With every movement Renjun makes, there’s a tinkling sound, from the bells hanging from the end of his sleeves, as well as the beads from the headpiece clinking together. It’s a strange melody, accompanying his every step. Minhyung’s grasp on his arm is comforting and he leans on him slightly, grateful for his presence.

He walks Renjun to the family temple, but leaves him to enter alone, parting with a subtle squeeze of his arm. The inside of the temple is decorated with gold and colourful paintings. Renjun kneels in front of the altar, on which sits a statue of a silver fox, chasing the moon, his long tail flicking behind him. It’s Oon, the protector diety of their village, and also the god which the Huang family has served for generations.

He bows down, robes spread out around him, forehead almost brushing against the sandalwood floor, the beads of his headpiece clicking against the floor. “Oon, I come forward as your faithful messenger, listen to my request and guide me to the path of rightness if that be the road of the wise and kind-hearted,” he utters the customary greeting solemnly and once he finishes, he sits upright again and looks up at the statue of Oon.

“It’s finally here,” when he speaks again, his voice is different, stripped of formalities and soft-spoken. “You know better than anyone that I am ready, Oon, but no matter how hard I try to remain composed on the outside, I can’t help but feel nervous. The expectations are too high and the consequences for mistakes are too costly.

“There’s something different about today, though. Different from the previous festivals… The feeling has been nagging at me since last week, but I became sure when I woke up today. The air is drier, it signals a change. I hope this isn’t your meddling,” He shakes his head and sighs audibly, “But who can know the minds of gods? Us humans can only hope not to be carried away by one of your whims. I know grandma would say that there’s a reason for everything and that the gods’ plan will be revealed in time, but… I don’t like going into things blind. Next time, give me a warning.” His complaint is light, almost teasing. Smiling softly and looking down at his robes, he runs his fingers over the smooth silk. “It’s ridiculous to ask this of a god, but I wish you’d grant me luck just for today. I can’t crumble now.”

  


***

 

“Explain to me again why you’re currently in some lost countryside town without WiFi and not here with us for the LoL marathon,” Jaemin’s voice over the phone sounds annoyed. “You promised you’d help me get to Diamond. What the hell happened to loyalty, huh, Lee Jeno?”

Lying on the bed, illuminated by the sunlight coming in from the skylight, Jeno turns over and sighs at his best friend’s caprice, “I told you, Nana, my mom sent me here to take care of my great aunt. It’s not like I had a choice. My grades are dropping and my dad convinced her that an exile from the city would do me good.”

From the other end of the line, Jaemin groans. “Still… I can’t believe you left me with Donghyuck. You know he’s a terrible caster.” Jeno can hear some muffled protests coming from the other end of the line as Donghyuck tries to defend his gaming honor. “Oh shut up, Hyuk, you know it’s true!” Jaemin can be heard calling back to him before returning to the phone, “Now, Jeno, you listen to me, if I don’t make it to Dia this season, it’s all because of you and, boy, you’re going to pay for it when you get back. Gotta go, Donghyuck’s gonna self-destruct if I don’t do something now! Talk to you later!”

And before Jeno can slip in a goodbye, his best friend’s hung up on him and he’s left alone again, his phone hanging loosely from his fist. It’s warm in the small attic room where he’s staying in his great aunt’s house, but Jeno’s so incredibly bored that he’s done nothing but sleep in bed for the past two days since he’s gotten here. The bedside clock indicates 1:32 pm. He tosses the covers off the bed and turns on his side. He would’ve drifted back off to a mid-sleep-mid-stupor state if not for a voice coming from downstairs.

“Jeno! Are you up?” It’s his great aunt’s voice, reminding him of the responsibilities of life and the necessity of socialising.

He doesn’t bother replying and thinks that’ll be the end of it, but is surprised when he hears a knock at his door.

“Jeno?”

With a groan, Jeno drags himself off the bed to open the door. He realises what he must look like, still in pajamas and bed hair at this time of the day, but his great aunt, a small elderly lady with a mischievous personality just smiles up at him. “Great, I’m glad you’re up, I was worried you would miss it.”

“Miss wh-” Jeno starts to ask before it comes back to him. “Ah, the festival’s today! Sorry, it slipped my mind, auntie.”

His great aunt just shakes her head. “It’s fine, who can blame a young man for taking the morning off? Look, I’ve brought you your clothes.” She hands him a folded sky blue tunic. “Tell me if it fits,” she adds, before leaving him, likely to get ready herself.

Closing the door to his room again, Jeno walks to the bed and sits back down before considering the shiny material in his hands. He hasn’t worn a hanbok since he was seven and he’s not especially expecting much from this small town festival, but he’s not yet ready to disappoint his sweet great aunt and he has to admit that some fresh air might do him some good.

 

Several hours later, Jeno is dressed in the sky blue hanbok, wandering around the colourful stalls of the festival and, despite his best efforts to remain aloof, actually enjoying himself. At first, his great aunt dragged him around the stalls, making him try several games and feeding him different strange, delicious sweets, but when she found her friends, she quickly left him, making sure to slip him some pocket money. Jeno couldn’t help but notice how bright his great aunt and her friends looked, all dressed up in their hanboks and makeup, as if still living out their teenage years. And they’re not the only ones, he notes, as he walks down the streets lined with stalls, that youth and elderly mingle and laugh with the same eagerness, and, as if the joyous atmosphere is contagious, Jeno can’t help but start to have fun himself. He is challenged by two younger boys, introducing themselves as Jisung and Chenle, to a game of ball toss and when he wins, he gives the toy dolphin prize to Chenle anyways, in too much of a good mood to crush a child’s hope and dreams.

Chenle smiles up at him with a full set of teeth, “Thanks, hyung, you’re the best!”

Jisung notices something going on a way off and tugs on Chenle’s hanbok sleeve, “Quick, quick, it’s starting!”

Jeno wants to ask what this important event is, but Jisung waves for him to come see for himself before the two kids disappear into the crowd.

Curious, Jeno follows the direction they went in and notices a crowd gathering rapidly around a stage. By chance, he manages to get a spot where he can see the stage perfectly. A hushed whisper falls over the crowd as the curtain draws back, revealing a lone figure, dressed in red robes and beads, with their back to the audience.

Traditional music starts and, from the first note, Jeno is entranced as the dancer begins to move effortlessly, fabric rippling like water. He twists and turns, as smooth as the wind, white and gold flashing. The dance slows at one point as the dancer falls to his knees, reaching upwards in a movement that resembles a cry for help or a prayer. When the music picks up again, the dancer swirls back to his feet and the dance takes a fervent, frenzied turn, the movements becoming sharper and more rapid until the halting conclusion. The dancer is frozen, holding one of his hands over his heart and the other in the air, turned upwards. He remains standing there, as still as a statue, and, after a few minutes of stunned silence, the crowd bursts into claps and cheers.

Jeno notices the dancer’s face for the first time as the curtains are drawing to a close, that of a boy, with red lips and captivating eyes. His breath catches in his throat and all he can think, even after the curtain closes, obscuring him from view, is the thought ‘ _He’s beautiful.’_

 

***

 

Renjun doesn’t get to partake in most of the festivities surrounding the Gyeongshin festival. Years have passed since he was a child, able to wander around the market stalls, playing games, and laughing without care. Now, the day of the festival is laden with rituals and duties, but nonetheless, it still retains all of its excitement and fervour. He puts his heart into every prayer, blessing the bags of seeds that the village’s farmers bring to him, and whispering words of wisdom to mothers-to-be, all of whom come to him with the hopes of receiving from him a piece of Oon’s blessing and protection. He treats even the smallest concern with the utmost importance and respect, forever aware of the heavy expectations on his shoulders.

The ritual dance is important to him, personally. It’s the moment for him to show what he has rehearsed tirelessly for the past year. Renjun’s body moves automatically, everything from his toes to his fingertips, all the movements flow in perfect, seamless cohesion, and he can’t help but let out a breath of relief when the curtain falls after a flawless performance. He smiles when he hears the cheers of the audience, telling him that he managed to convey all his emotions in the way he wanted.

 

His most important role, after the dance, is the official village prayer and lighting of the first lantern to mark the end of the festival. The prayer, a solemn moment in front of the village temple, comes as easily as the dance. The words he recites have been passed down from generation to generation and have been engraved in his mind since he was thirteen. His gestures are light and careful, as he lights the incense and prepares the wine to serve to the altar of Oon. When he utters the final words and turns, he is facing the whole of the village, solemn faces lit up by the red light of the torches they carry. Obscurity has already shrouded the sky. The villagers are silent and anticipating, only the hushed whispers of children can be heard as the crowd parts to make way for him.

The priestling walks down the altar steps and in the direction of the pond across from the temple. The bells on his dress chime with every step and he holds his head up high, cradling an unlit lantern in his hands. He sees Minhyung standing by the pond and holding a baton, waiting for him. He nods to him imperceptibly as he reaches his side.

Minhyung smiles slightly and deftly lights the tip of the baton with a lighter before handing it to Renjun, who kneels to carefully light the lantern, then picks it up as he stands straight again. He can feel countless eyes are on him as he holds this red ball of light to his chest. It slips out of his fingers almost effortlessly, floating up towards the night sky as Renjun’s eyes follow its ascent. Pressing his palms together and closing his eyes, he sends up a final silent prayer with the lantern, carrying all his hopes and worries for the village.

When his eyes open again, he’s surrounded by the orange and red glows of lights, as the villagers follow his lead and light their lanterns. In an instant, the lanterns fill up the sky, rising slowly. They reflect in the surface of the pond, alongside the moon, and illuminate the faces of the awestruck villagers. Several children cry out in joy and the village seems to regain its voice as one, as the villagers burst with exclamations, comments, and chatter. Letting his composure drop ever so slightly, Renjun can’t help but smile at the beauty of the moment. This final tradition has always been his favourite part of the festival and it’s almost as if he’s transported back in time, to when he was still a small boy, tugging at his mother’s sleeve excitedly and pointing out the lanterns in the sky.

 

After the festivities have officially ended and the crowd has started to thin out, Renjun slips out from Minhyung’s surveillance, rids himself of his headdress and wipes away most of his makeup, before making his way around the woods surrounding the temple pond. His favourite spot by pond has been his thinking place for years, the only place where he knows he can be alone, dropping formalities and appearances, to rest for the short time he is allowed to be away from his duties.

That night, however, he’s surprised to discover a figure sitting in his usual spot, a boy in a blue hanbok, bent over and facing away from him. Saddened, but not wanting to disturb the other person, Renjun turns away and accidentally steps on a stray twig.

“Wait!” a voice calls out. Renjun halts and turns around to find the boy in the blue hanbok staring up at him. Under the moonlight, Renjun can see his brown tousled hair and round features.

“You’re him, right? The priestling?”

Renjun should feel uncomfortable, but there’s something about this boy, about his smile and the tone of his voice, that oozes off kindness and puts him at ease. He nods quietly and tugs at the too long sleeves of his ceremonial dress nervously.

The boy stands up and he’s only a little bit taller than Renjun. He looks Renjun straight in the eyes, a smile dancing on his lips, “I saw your dance earlier today. It was…” he pauses to think about the right word, “Captivating. Truly, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Renjun looks away, blushing despite himself, “Thank you. I’m glad you liked it.” He thinks the conversation will end there and is ready to turn away again, but the other boy speaks up before he can move.

“Do you want a hotteok?” he asks, bringing a wrapped pancake out of nowhere and handing it to Renjun. “I bought one at the festival and kept it for later. Sorry if it’s a bit cold. Do you want to sit?” He nods over the the spot by the pond where was sitting earlier.

Renjun hesitates, but it’s been ages since he’s had hotteok and he takes a seat on the side of the pond, as the stranger settles next to him. “Let’s split it,” Renjun decrees.

The boy’s grin stretches wider, “Sure!” He tears the hotteok in half and carefully hands the bigger half to Renjun. “I’m Jeno by the way.”

“I’m Renjun,” and he returns Jeno’s smile before digging into the sweet, honey-filled pancake.

The two slip into a conversation easily, with Jeno complaining about how quiet it is in the village and, when Renjun finds out that Jeno is from Seoul, he presses the other to describe his home, the fascinating city he’s only ever dreamed of seeing.

“It’s big, with skyscrapers touching the clouds and the city spreading out for miles and miles. The lights never go out, even at night, and they outshine the stars. It’s also loud, with thousands of people constantly moving, working, dreaming. There’s so much going on that you can’t ever really get bored.” The picture woven by Jeno’s words is nothing like Renjun’s ever seen in his life.

“I wish I could see it with my own eyes,” he sighs softly.

“I could show you around if ever you wanted.”

Jeno’s proposition takes Renjun off guard, but when the other notices Renjun’s expression, he smiles brightly, his eyes disappearing into crescents. He looks so cute Renjun feels something in his chest tighten. “I’d love that.”

 

They talk about their friends and Renjun promises to introduce Jeno to Minhyung and the other goes on about his best friend, Jaemin, who he describes as a ‘crazy gaming addict.’

“I want to meet him, he seems like a fun person and definitely harmless,” Renjun asserts, after hearing the story of how Jaemin got him and Jeno stuck on cleaning duty for a month after his proposal to his crush had gone horribly wrong.

“Harmless?! I’m pretty sure I almost went deaf last time he sang to Bang Bang Bang at the karaoke room. He’s truly a public hazard,” Jeno whines, holding his head in pain at the memory.

“Bang Bang-?” Renjun asks, confused.

“You don’t know Bang Bang Bang?!” Jeno exclaims in disbelief and Renjun can’t stop his laughter as Jeno imitates G-Dragon by moving his eyebrows unevenly and making finger guns. “Bang Bang Bang!”

Little by little, Renjun feels his mask crumbling around Jeno. His smiles are genuine, not practiced, and he can’t remember the last time he’s laughed this much. Long after he’s finished the hotteok and is licking the honey from his fingers, he realises that Jeno’s fallen silent. The Seoul boy is staring up at the night sky above, mouth slightly parted in amazement.

“The moon is so huge and yellow here. I never knew it could look like that.”

Renjun smiles up at the moon too. “There’s a belief in this village that the moon is the home of our guardian deity, Oon. He sits up there and watches over us.”

“Is that the god you serve?” Renjun is surprised at how natural the question sounds, as if it were normal for people their age to live as religious devotees.

“It is. My family has served Oon for hundreds of years.” Renjun stops, unsure of whether or not he should continue.

The other reassures him, “Go ahead, it’s interesting. I want to know more about you.”

Renjun nods and begins talking about his life, his lessons, his family, the dream messages he receives from the gods, and Jeno listens with round eyes, asking questions every once in a while.

“Have you ever seen a diety?”

“Hmm… Most of the time, they contact me through dreams, but one has appeared to me when awake, once, a long time ago.”

“What was it like?”

Renjun pauses and thinks. “It was strange. Up until that point, we’d been certain that Minhyung would inherit the gift of the gods in the family, so it came as a surprise when I was chosen, as an impure child…” Renjun pauses and there’s something in his gaze that makes Jeno curious but he doesn’t want to pry. “They only appear at crucial moments, you see. The gods only guide us when there is something important to do, a catastrophe to be avoided or a life to be saved.”

“What was it for you?” Jeno asks.

Renjun smiles at his curiosity, “I helped someone. I don’t know if I can say I saved them, but it certainly saved me. From that point on, I found my path in life. I felt like I was worth something. In the eye of the gods.”

Something in Jeno’s heart clenches at the thought that Renjun had ever thought that he was worthless. He wants to question him more, find out what happened to the person he saved, but, instead, he moves closer to Renjun, so that their shoulders are almost touching. “Do you think they have a plan for all of us?”

“Who?”

“Your gods,” Jeno clarifies.

Renjun lets out a chuckle. “ _My_ gods? They’re your gods too, they’re looking over everyone and nothing happens that isn’t in their plan.”

“Then do you think we were meant to meet?” It slips out before Jeno knows what he’s saying and he turns away out of embarrassment, missing the rise of a light blush on Renjun’s cheeks.

“Um… I think so. Everything happens for a reason.”

A smile breaks at the corner of Jeno’s lips. It feels nice, knowing that he’s part of something bigger, that someone cares about him, more than his parents who haven’t called him since he’s been here, more than the adults in his life, who barely give him a second glance.

“It’s fitting, you know, that you serve a god who lives in the moon,” Jeno suddenly speaks up before he can stop himself, “Everything about you, it’s almost as if you’re covered in the subtle glow of moonlight, holding yourself elegantly but also being honest and truthful.“

It’s so dark that Jeno doesn’t notice Renjun’s flustered expression. He doesn’t reply, doesn’t say it aloud either, but Jeno’s smile is so bright, that, the first time he saw it, he thought he was looking at the sun. He smiles to himself at the thought: sun and moon, conversing with each other by the side of the pond.

 

It’s starting to get late and, although he’s not exactly sure of how much time he’s spent here with Jeno, he knows Minhyung is bound to start looking for him soon.

“I have to go before it gets too late,” he tells Jeno, hesitating to say something more, the words stuck in his throat.

“Let’s see each other again tomorrow,” Jeno interrupts his thoughts.

Renjun’s heart swells. “Yes, I’d really like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I think I must be the slowest writer on the face of the Earth because it took me over a year to finish this story. All of my sweat and tears have gone into this work... I hope you enjoy! The other chapters will slowly be coming out as I re-read them.  
> 


	2. sweet dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is from exo-cbx's sweet dreams~

Renjun and Jeno meet up the day after the festival, and the next, and the next… In the month following their conversation by the side of the pond, they see each other every day without fail. In the morning, Jeno wakes up with excitement in his heart at the thought of seeing the priestling again and going on another adventure together. His great aunt is confused but also glad to see her nephew finally get out of the house, so she doesn’t question it and lets him run off every afternoon to see Renjun after he gets released from his lessons and duties. 

Renjun shows him the woods, where he grew up and where he seems to be familiar with every trail, every tree, and every creature living there. Sometimes they go with Minhyung, even once or twice with Jisung and Chenle, but most of the time, it’s just the two of them, alone, walking under the canopy, dipping their toes in the river, talking about the past and the future, sharing almost everything. Jeno’s never felt so at ease talking with someone about so many different things and when he speaks, it feels like Renjun’s truly interested in what he’s saying and his wide brown eyes are filled with understanding and not a single trace of judgment.

Although Jeno appreciates Minhyung who laughs at his terrible jokes and finds Jisung and Chenle absolutely adorable if a little bit overwhelming sometimes, it’s these moments alone with Renjun that he loves the most. 

One day, when they’re both lying on the grass towards the end of an idle afternoon, half drifting off to sleep under the warm sunlight, he shyly turns towards Renjun, looking at him lying on the forest floor, eyes closed, his chest rising up and down slowly. He admires how long his lashes are, how soft his black hair looks as its spread around his face, and in that moment, he can’t help but notice how fast his own heart beats. The boy in front of him now is completely different from the person he first saw, in full makeup and ensemble, up on that stage. He was so far away back then, seemed untouchable, as if from another realm. He could’ve never imagined that up close he would be even more breathtaking. 

When Renjun eventually catches him looking, he smiles at Jeno sleepily and Jeno thinks he’s going to explode of happiness.

***

 

Renjun’s not quite sure how he let Jeno enter his heart so quickly. What started with a simple conversation and curiosity about the Seoul boy has turned into a deeper friendship than he’s ever had. Something about Jeno just makes all of his usual mask and defences melt. He didn’t realise it would feel this freeing to be able to show his true emotions every day. He wouldn’t admit it, but he’s kind of becoming addicted to the way Jeno smiles at him and it’s almost enough to make him forget that his time with Jeno is limited, as the other plans to return to the city before the end of summer.

At the back of Renjun’s mind, though, thoughts are brewing. Perhaps, just perhaps, he would be able to go to Seoul to see Jeno. It’s a thought that keeps swirling in his mind right before he falls asleep at night, to dream of tall glass buildings towering over the forest of gods.

Until one evening when a loud wake up call comes to tear away at his unrealistic expectations. That night,  Renjun comes home later than usual after he lost track of time, skipping stones on the pond surface with Jeno. He toes off his shoes and quietly slides the door closed behind him. As he makes his way to his room, feet softly padding on the wooden floor, he’s stopped by a figure standing in the corridor. 

“Do you know what time it is?” 

“I’m sorry, grandmother,” Renjun bows apologetically, “It won’t happen again.”

“And how do I know that I can trust your promises?” Her words are restrained, but hold a sharp edge. He hasn’t seen his grandmother this angry for many years. She continues without waiting for his reply, “I hear that you’ve been spending time with an outsider from Seoul. I thought I had told you that I don’t want you around those types of people.”

“Jeno’s really nice, grandmother,” Renjun protests.

“So what? It’s the ideas he gives you that are poisonous. I don’t want him giving you the idea that you would be able to go to the city, Renjun, you’re not cut out for it.”

Renjun has been hearing this kind of talk since he was a child. Scared of punishment, he’s always been obedient, but today, he thinks, maybe he could talk to her. “But, grandmother, Minhyung went to school in Seoul and nothing happened to him. Why wouldn’t-”

“It’s different,” she cuts him off harshly, “You’re the heir of this family, only you carry the burden of the gods’ duty. Only the gods know why they chose your impure body as a host rather than your cousin’s, but, nonetheless, you are linked to this place.” She pauses for a second. “You wouldn’t want to end up cursed and abandoned like your mother? It was leaving her home and going to Seoul that led to her downfall, never forget that.”

Anger and injustice wells up inside Renjun’s chest, but he remains stubbornly silent, head cast downwards. His grandmother walks away without another word, leaving him behind to let the despair wash over him in the knowledge that he’s going to be trapped here forever.

***

 

As summer draws to a close and the time that Jeno has to go back to Seoul draws nearer, Renjun grows more distant. There’s a delay in his laughter when Jeno makes a joke and he sometimes gets these faraway look where his face freezes and Jeno’s scared that he’s drawn back behind that polished mask, the one he wore when they first met. It’s not only Renjun, though, Jeno also doesn’t want to face the moment when he has to leave, and, although he’s mentioned the date in passing, he didn’t get a response from the other, and they have yet to sit and have a proper conversation about the topic.

About a week before the date of Jeno’s departure from the village, the two decide to go stargazing, and, after warning their respective families, they hike up the hill behind the village, where they settle on a blanket laid out on the ground, watching the night sky slowly fill up with stars, appearing one by one. 

It’s nothing like Jeno’s ever seen before. There’s not even a handful of stars visible in the Seoul night sky, but here it’s like the whole universe is laid bare. Renjun lays by his side, pointing out constellations, planets, and the Milky Way, things Jeno has only ever seen in textbooks. 

“It makes you realise how small we are in the universe, doesn’t it?” Renjun notes quietly and Jeno nods, moving imperceptibly closer to the other, so close that he can feel the heat coming from his body. 

“It puts everything into perspective,” Jeno says, struggling to put his thoughts into words. “All our concerns and worries, they seem gigantic and take up every one of our thoughts, but in reality, they’re not even a speck of dust in the immensity of the universe.”

“That doesn’t mean they’re not important, though,” Renjun defends. “We are the children of stars. They are here to look over us and guide us, but each of us, every problem we face, every emotion we feel, that all makes it more real, more significant. If we were put here, then there must be a reason.”

Jeno feels his heart grow tighter. Renjun’s words are filled with hope and innocence, yet, at the same time, he speaks with such a strong sense of conviction that realistic, cynical Jeno is almost sold on his dream.

He’s about to reply when he sees something bright speed across the sky, a trail of light following it. It only lasts two seconds, but Renjun grabs onto Jeno’s hand in excitement. 

“A shooting star! Did you see it? We need to make a wish!”

He falls immediately silent and Jeno can tell he’s probably making his wish, but he can’t focus himself, too distracted by the erratic beating of his heart and the warmth of Renjun’s hand in his. 

He hears Renjun breathe out and shift on the blanket to face Jeno, their hands still linked together. 

“Did you make a wish?” 

“Y-yes,” Jeno lies awkwardly. “Did you?”

“Of course I did.”

“Do you think it’ll come true?” And with that Jeno turns on his side as well, so that he’s face to face with Renjun, his outline traced out by the moonlight.

“It will,” Renjun murmurs.

“What makes you so sure?” 

“A wish is like a prayer. The more of your heart you put in, the more chances there are of it coming true.”

And at the same time Jeno’s thinking,  _ “I wish this moment could last forever.” _

He’s wishing from the bottom of his heart that he’ll be able to see Renjun tomorrow, and the day after, and every day for the rest of his life. He wishes that this summer would never end and that he’d never have to leave Renjun. 

“What’d you wish for?” Renjun asks quietly.

Jeno shakes his head and turns to lay on his back again. “I can’t tell you. Otherwise the wish loses all its power.”

He thinks he hears Renjun hum in agreement, but then they’re quiet for the rest of the night, silently observing the stars, thoughts swirling in their heads, but neither speaking up.

  
  


It’s already the day of Jeno’s departure and he’s nervously waiting outside the gate to Renjun’s house, hoping to see him one last time before he leaves. His great aunt, who is waiting for him, scolded him, saying that he might miss the train, but there’s no chance Jeno would leave before telling Renjun goodbye. He made him promise, the day before, that he would be there, and he spent the night, unable to sleep, thinking about what he wanted to say, but now, waiting in front of that huge, intimidating house, while looking down and kicking pebbles around, he’s re-evaluating his courage, which seems to be leaving him little by little.

When the gate grates open, Jeno’s head shoots up, and he’s greeted by the sight of a soft, worn-out Renjun. He still hasn’t changed out of his clothes from lessons, so he’s wearing a long brown tunic, and his hair is sticking out cutely in a few places. Jeno wants to reach out and pat down the stray strands. It’s strange because even if he’s wearing a traditional outfit, like that day they met at the festival, his appearance is completely different. Instead of seeing elegance and aloofness, Jeno sees Renjun for who he is, a shy, slightly sleepy, and incredibly devoted person.

He can’t hold back and gives Renjun his biggest smile, “I’m really glad to see you, Injunnie.”

Renjun nods and Jeno realises that what he mistook for tiredness before is, in fact, sadness, and he feels a pang of guilt. “Of course, I’d come to see you off,” Renjun says, before quickly adding, “I’m going to miss you, you know.”

And wave of sadness washes over Jeno, because he knows that he’s going to miss Renjun so so much, but he can’t let it show and make Renjun more upset, so he just keeps on smiling, and pokes Renjun’s sides, like he does when he’s teasing him, “You’ll miss me? How much?”

Renjun swats Jeno’s hand, frowns and, looking at the ground, he grumbles “A lot. Satisfied?”

“Yes. A lot.”

Renjun looks up at Jeno finally and, taking in a shaky breath, he pulls a piece of paper out of his tunic pocket.

Jeno takes it curiously, “What’s this?”

“It’s my address. I know it sucks that I don’t have a phone or internet, but this is the best I have, so you have to promise to write, otherwise, I’ll...” Renjun’s voice trails off.

“Otherwise you’ll do what?”

Renjun shakes his head helplessly. “I can’t do anything. I’ll just be upset and think that you’ve given up on me.”

Jeno scoffs. “I would never.”

“You’ll be back soon, though?”

Renjun’s looking up at Jeno with such a hopeful expression, that his heart can’t help but ache at the sight. They’re both pretending to be fine, but Jeno knows that this separation is killing him and, maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance that Renjun feels the same. If only he can take this step, everything could change. If only he can be honest with Renjun...

Taking a low breath, he leans forward and, as lightly as he can, presses his hands to cup Renjun’s face. 

“I don’t think I can let you go.” 

He looks into Renjun’s bright confused eyes and, sweeping away all remaining hesitation and gathering all of his courage, he moves in to press their lips together.

The kiss is soft, barely more than a brush of lips, but Renjuns’ lips taste like strawberries and it’s so sweet and addictive that Jeno wants it to last forever. Yet he draws back with concern after a few seconds to get a good look at Renjun’s face, his hands leaving his face. Renjun’s eyebrows are drawn together and he turns away to avoid Jeno’s gaze. Gleaming at the corner of Renjun’s eyes are tears. When he sees them, Jeno panics.

“I-I’m sorry, Injunnie. I shouldn’t have done that. Please don’t cry-”

Renjun lets out a half sob, half laugh, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “I was just surprised. Don’t be sorry.” He looks up to finally meet Jeno’s eyes. A small smile hangs from his slightly flushed lips. “I liked it, Jeno, I really did,” he reassures him. 

“But you’re crying,” Jeno says softly, still anxious.

“Because I’m happy.” Renjun grabs Jeno’s hand and squeezes it gently. “To know that you feel the same about me as I do about you...”

Jeno’s face breaks out in a wide smile. “I do.” And when he leans down again, Renjun moves to meet him. The second kiss is, if possible, sweeter and deeper. It seems to last for ages until Jeno breaks away.

“Come with me,” the words are tumbling out before he knows what he’s saying, but the second they are out in the open, he knows it’s what he wants. “Come with me to Seoul, Injun.”

Surprise flashes over Renjun’s face. Then hesitation. “I don’t-”

“Please, Renjun. I want you to see the city, to see the world. With me. I don’t want to leave you.” He’s almost whining, he knows, but if that’s what it takes, then so be it.

Renjun seems to edge away from him and it almost breaks his heart to see Renjun like this.

“I can’t. I have a responsibility to the people here. I’m bound to the village.”

“You’re the priestling of Oon, but you’re also you, Renjun. Isn’t that more important?” 

“No, it isn’t,” Renjun cuts in, cold and final and Jeno know that Renjun  is retreating behind his mask again. He’s losing him again. “My duties to the gods and to my family come first. I must not disappoint them.”

Jeno knows he’s defeated. When Renjun gets like this, there’s no drawing him back out, and Jeno wishes he had more time to convince him, but the buzzing of his phone in his pocket reminds him that his great aunt must be waiting to take him to the train station and see him off. He’s going to have to give up this fight for fear of damaging his relationship with Renjun. Without warning, he pulls him into a tight hug. 

“I’ll come back, Renjun. I won’t forget and I’ll be back faster than you can begin to miss me,” he whispers in the other’s ear.

He can feel Renjun’s heart beat fast against his chest and his arms slowly and hesitantly pulling him closer. “Safe travel, Lee Jeno.” 

 

***

 

Jeno doesn’t keep his word. He doesn’t come back before Renjun starts to miss him. In fact, from the second he’s gone, leaving him alone in front of the gates of his house, Renjun feels a hole tear in his heart. As each day goes on, it only seems to get larger and Renjun’s every day thoughts are filled with painful memories and regrets. He still hasn’t received a letter from Jeno.

It becomes harder to get up in the morning, without the promise of the meetings with Jeno, and it becomes harder to stay awake during his duties and endless lessons. It’s like all the colour has seeped out of his life and he can’t find excitement in his daily life like before.

His nights are sleepless, too. He tosses around for hours, unable to get to sleep, all while replaying their final meeting over and over in his mind again, the desperation in Jeno’s eyes as he begged Renjun to follow him to the city. 

 

 

Minhyung corners him one day. “Let’s talk.” He drags him to sit on the patio, overlooking the garden. “You haven’t been yourself as of late, Injun. You alway seem tired and mindless. Chenle even asked me if you were alright.”

Renjun feels a pang of guilt for making his cousin worry. “It’s nothing, hyung. It’s just the heat getting to me.”

“It’s Jeno, isn’t it?”

Minhyung’s question hangs in the air and Renjun doesn’t answer.

“I know it is, Renjun, you don’t have to lie to me. I know you two were close, so it must be hard being apart. Have you considered going to Seoul to see him? ”

Renjun sighs. “I can’t. He offered for me to go with him, but I refused. My place is here, hyung. You know that better than anyone.”

It’s Minhyung’s turn to be silent and Renjun can’t tell if that’s because he agrees or not.

“I knew he was important to you, Renjun, but I don’t think I understood how much he truly meant to you. How could I not see it?”

Renjun’s blushing, his cheeks tinged lightly red, his thoughts wandering back to that last moment with Jeno. “He’s different, hyung. He’s the only person that truly makes me feel comfortable - ah, I mean I’m comfortable with you t-too,” Renjun stutters, “but with Jeno it feels different, special.”

Minhyung’s got a small smile on his face, noting the fondness with which Renjun speaks of Jeno. He urges him on when Renjun hesitates to continue.

“Everyone always admires me, but I feel like what they’re looking at is simply the exterior, the polished mask that I put on every day,” Renjun explains. “He’s the first to ever ask me how I feel. It’s like his smile peels back all the outside layers and he’s looking at me, my true self. ”

Minhyung looks on with a sad smile. “You’re so mature, Injunnie. I look up to you so much and yet I desperately want you to experience it, what it’s like to be a teenager, to laugh and love, to make mistakes and get back up at the end and be able to smile. You deserve it, Injun, I don’t care what tradition says. Fuck tradition.” Renjun looks shocked at the swear word, so Minhyung gives him a sheepish smile before concluding, “I think you should go. To Seoul. It’s your chance to see the world, your chance to discover yourself and your own spirituality. It’s an opportunity that the gods have given you.”

“Y-you think so?” The idea that the gods might want him to chose this path is new to Renjun, but he wants to believe that maybe it’s true, that fate was the one who led him to Jeno.

“Look, there’s only one way to know, Renjun, you have to go speak with the gods. Take a daytrip to Oon’s shrine. I’ll cover for you here, and, if afterwards you feel that you still want to go to Seoul, I’ll help you. It’s a promise.”

Renjun could not feel happier that his best friend is so understanding and he turns to hug him, “Thank you, hyung.”

Minhyung laughs and hugs him back, “Anything for my little cousin.”

  
  


The next day, Renjun’s getting up at dawn. It’s a long hike to Oon’s mountain shrine and he’ll have to walk for most of the morning before getting there and most of the afternoon too, if he wants to get back before nightfall. 

It’s a familiar journey, though, one that he undertakes at least once a year, when he needs advice. The rocks under the soles of his shoes, the pine trees above him, his rucksack on his back, there’s not much to look at but the path ahead of him, and his thoughts wander to Jeno - how he his, what he’s currently doing, whether he misses Renjun or not. It’s painful to think about, so he distracts himself by revising his lessons, reciting the principles of Confucius that he had gone over with his grandmother the day before. 

Around midday, he finally enters a familiar clearing, a grassy circle in the middle of the forest, where the trees have chosen to stop growing. In the center sits Oon’s shrine, made of wood and painted red, from which ornaments and protection beads hang. In the middle of the shrine, a statue of Oon, almost identical to the one in Renjun’s temple, but this one is smaller, and made of a white stone, reminiscent of moondust. It’s a modest shrine, not as large as the ones for other, bigger deities, but it has withstood centuries, and emits a certain power that has kept it safe for all this time. Renjun feels it, as soon as he steps into the clearing, this is a holy place, and it would be a crime to disrupt the peace.

He drops to his knees in front of the shrine and fishes out his offerings from his rucksack: a gold ring that belonged to his grandfather, a huge hyacinth flower that he picked from the garden, and some rice cakes, handmade. He mutters the traditional greeting under his breath.

Prayers are nice, but there’s only one way to communicate with the gods freely, in order to receive their guidance: dreams. Renjun lays down on the grass, next to the shrine, his head surrounded by daisies, and the buzzing of a bee flying nearby. Slowly, he lets the exhaustion from the journey wash over him. It’s not so much falling asleep as entirely letting go of the real world, falling into another, unknown and unpredictable one.

 

 

In his dreams, he walks in the forest, surrounded by the tall pine trees, his bare feet lightly treading on leaves and soil. He’s walking towards a light in the distance, it calls to him and grows brighter with ever step. As he gets closer, the light takes shape, that of a silver fox, much bigger than a regular fox and even larger than a bear, with pale blue eyes and a round, black nose. 

“Welcome back, Renjun,” Oon’s voice is gravelly and echoes in Renjun’s chest. He stops and realises that he’s now close enough that he could reach out and touch the god’s side.

“Thank you, Oon. I am sorry to disturb you-”

“You could never disturb me, child,” Oon moves to nuzzle against Renjun’s hand as a greeting. Renjun strokes the fox’s fur gently in response. “I know why you have come. Sit with me.”

Oon lays down and Renjun settles in, against his stomach, the giant fox curling around him protectively, making him feel warm and safe.

“I don’t know what to do,” Renjun whispers against the soft fur, knowing that the god will hear him.

“I think you already know what to do, child.”

Renjun’s hold on the fur tightens. “I would be betraying you and my family for someone I just met. It goes against everything I believe in.”

“He’s important to you. You cannot deny it. But he is not the main reason you have to go. Do you know what that is?”

Renjun pauses to think, before asking lightly, “Is it me? I feel like I only know the priestling of Oon, and I don’t know who  _ I _ really am. Is that what the gods have planned for me? That I go to the city and find myself?”

Oon laughs, rumbling against Renjun’s body. “Oh, child. The gods may guide you in one path, but we do not control your destiny. That thing you call fate, it is in your hands and your hands only. I can only hope that you will make a choice that will make you happy.”

“So you won’t hate me if I leave your service to go to the city?”

“I could never hate you, my sweet child.”

Renjun hesitates to ask the next question. “What about my mother? Was she really forsaken by the gods because she left to go to the city?”

A deep rumble seems to resonate in the fox’s body, he can’t tell if it’s in anger or sadness. “Child, your mother was never forsaken by us. We looked over her until the day she died, that I can swear. Even if her fate seemed twisted and cruel, she lived a happy life, with you in it. The strength she gave to you, I could sense it and that is why I chose you as my messenger. No matter where you go, you always be the one I have chosen, no one else. The one thing I can tell you about the city, however, is that it is too far from my reach. The gods have no direct influence, there. We will watch you, but you will be on your own.”

In that moment, the idea of letting go of almost everything scares Renjun. He grips onto Oon’s fur a little tighter.  

“And Jeno?” the words are nothing but a whisper. “Will he be glad to see me? He won’t be upset that I betrayed him a first time?”

Oon is silent for a long while and, as Renjun begins to doze off, he finally speaks, “I cannot give you much advice about your relationship, but if there’s something I could suggest, it’s that you wait for him. When you get to the city, do not look for him, Renjun, he will come to you when the time is right. Promise me you won’t be hasty.”

Renjun feels incredibly sleepy all of a sudden, he mumbles under his breath, “I promise, Oon.”  Before he knows it, he’s drifting off to sleep against the soft fur. 

 

 

Renjun jolts awake with a shiver. Looking up at the sky, he can see the sun has started its downwards progression for the day. He gets up without much hesitation, pulls his rucksack on his back, and begins his return journey. 

Minhyung was right when he suggested Renjun should come here. His thoughts are so much clearer now. He knows what he needs to do, where he needs to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long to get this out! I've spent so much time working on it that I barely want to look at it...  
> In future chapters, you can expect a lot more from Jeno's pov! Don't hesitate to comment, I'd love to hear what you think <3


	3. you & i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long to get out! i was really unsatisfied with the story i had so rewrote a lot of the ending and it should be all coming out in the next few weeks :)
> 
> chapter title from shinee's you & i

“Lee Jeno! Are you even listening to me?” Jaemin’s loud voice in his ear brings Jeno crashing back to reality, which currently happens to be his best friend’s bedroom. They’ve been lying on his bed, marathoning the latest season of Voltron for the past hour, but at some point, Jeno must’ve gotten carried away by his thoughts, so much that he didn’t even notice that Jaemin had paused the episode and turned to face him. 

“Oh, sorry Nana, I must’ve dozed off,” he tries to apologise, but Jaemin is not the easily forgiving type. He sits up cross-legged on the bed and stares at his friend with narrowed eyes.

“What’s going on?” he asks, full of suspicion.

“Huh? Nothing at all, I’m just tired,” Jeno lies.

“Come on, spit it out. Ever since you got back from your vacation in the middle of nowhere, you’ve been strange. Something must’ve happened.” Jeno opens his mouth to protest, but Jaemin cuts him off, “Out with it, otherwise I’m kicking you out right now.”

Sighing, Jeno shakes his head and sits up so that he’s sitting cross-legged, mirroring Jaemin’s position. “I’ll tell you, but you have to promise to keep quiet till I’m done, okay?”

Jaemin nods enthusiastically, closing his lips tightly to signal that he’s understood.

And somehow Jeno ends up spilling the whole story to him, from the moment he met Renjun at the festival, to the times they spent together, and their farewell, all of it still painfully fresh in his memory. When he’s done, he nods and Jaemin doesn’t hesitate a second to ask what’s on his mind.

“Sooo,” he drawls the syllable out to purposefully get on Jeno’s nerves,  “What you’re saying is that while you were away from Seoul, you accidentally fell in love with the messenger of a god and he rejected you?”

“That’s not- It wasn’t really a rejection, though…” Jeno complains.

“Well, Jeno, I’m sorry, but he basically said ‘I love my god more than I like you.’ If that’s not a rejection, I don’t know what is.” 

Jeno groans and rolls on the bed to bury his face in a pillow, “Why did I even bother telling you? I should’ve known you’d be like this.” Yet he knows it would have been impossible to keep this from his best friend for any longer. The two have been inseparable since middle school and Jaemin reads Jeno like an open book. Sometimes Jeno finds it eerie, that Jaemin seems to know what’s worrying him or what he has to do before Jeno himself realises it. 

“There’s only one way to get your heart sorted out: you have to talk it out with him. Didn’t he give you a phone number?” Jeno shakes his head. “An email address?” Jeno shakes his head again, which is followed by Jaemin’s exasperated sigh. “I can’t believe you left empty-handed. Didn’t it occur to you for a second to trade contact information?”

Jeno frowns, “I don’t think he has an internet connection. Or even a phone. He did leave me his address, though,” he thinks about the small folded piece of paper tucked into his wallet. 

Jeno can tell Jaemin is trying hard not to roll his eyes. “Great. Snail mail. Are we in the Medieval Age or something? Couldn’t you have just used a carrier pigeon instead?”

“Hey, sending letters by the post isn’t that outdated!” Jeno tries to argue, “Plus, I think it’s quite romantic.”

Jaemin’s not even disguising his sarcasm now, “Oh, sure, Mr. Romantic, I’m sure you’ll think the same when a single piece of paper takes a week to get to its destination, if it even gets there altogether.”

“Well, it’s all I’ve got,” Jeno’s tone is suddenly bitter, catching Jaemin by surprise. “Look, Nana, I’m sorry but I think I’m going to head home early tonight, I really need to cram for that English test tomorrow.” It’s a dumb excuse and he knows it because when has Lee Jeno ever crammed for a test, but he’s glad when Jaemin just nods and lets him go without another comment.

 

Jaemin’s place is a dozen or so blocks away from Jeno’s and on a regular day he would take the bus to get home, but tonight, he feels like walking, thinking that the cool night air will do him some good. As he walks unhurriedly through the night streets of Seoul, he looks up at the black sky above him, devoid of stars but for a handful, and feels his heart burst with longing. He remembers stargazing with Renjun, staring up at a sky brimming with stars, pointing out constellations and naming new ones. Is this even the same sky that they scoured before? The moon is the only constant, yet even it is sly, appearing only as a slim crescent today.

Truth be told, Renjun is only half of the problem that has been plaguing Jeno since his return to Seoul. The other, much more inexplicable, has been the nightly recurring dreams, ones in which he dreams that he’s drowning, getting pulled down by the depths of the water, lungs tightening, arms thrashing helplessly, until he wakes with a start, gasping heavily for air and drenched in sweat. They always disturb Jeno so much that he finds it hard to go back to sleep and they come with such scary regularity that he has begun dreading the idea of even going to bed and putting it off as much as possible. He thinks back to Renjun’s explanations of his dreams, his ability to interpret the messages of gods that they slip into his sleep in order to prepare for the future, and wishes that Renjun were here with him to help him interpret this.

He reaches home refreshed by his night walk, but with his head no more clearer than before. Inside, he knocks off his shoes and stumbles into the kitchen, flicking on the lights and getting himself a carton of chocolate milk from the fridge. 

Jeno lives alone and has done so ever since middle school, when his parents sent him to Seoul for, what they claimed to be, a better education. Of course, Incheon is only an hour’s train ride away, and Jeno comes home almost every weekend, but growing up without any parental figures around for most of his teenage years forced him to become independent perhaps quicker than most children. 

His studio is small and tidy for the most part, except for the pile of dirty dishes which have begun to gather in the sink. Jeno examines it, while chewing on his milk straw, noting the absence of any decorations or even any pictures on the walls. It’s his own space and he feels grateful that he has a haven, where he can hide from Jaemin when he doesn’t feel like interacting with anyone, but it doesn’t feel like home and he gets lonely way too easily. Tonight he just feels a pang of longing, for someone in particular.

He heads to his room and flicking on the light, his eyes fall on the mess that is his desk, littered with  crumpled sheets of paper and envelopes. Since the day he got back, Jeno has been writing and sending letters. At first, short messages, asking Renjun how his days were, mentioning in passing that he missed him, but as the days grew into weeks and Jeno had still not received a reply, the letters changed. He grew more desperate, tried to apologise for things that he hadn’t done or trying to express his feelings in a way that conveyed sincerity. But nothing worked, Jeno kept writing, but he couldn’t bring himself to post them. He was plagued with fear and doubts.  Did Renjun even want to receive a letter from him? Did he bother reading them or did he just discard them because they were a distraction from his important duties? 

Sure, they had expressed their feelings, but they had no words had been said that would solidify their relationship, and Renjun had made it clear that Jeno was not the priority in his life. In all likelihood, their story would remain in their memory as a summer crush, nothing more. It would be forgotten in time, buried by other relationships, other loves, other adventures.

But why in the world was it so hard to forget those chestnut eyes, smiling up at him, or the taste of those soft lips against his?

 

As weeks meld into months and the day of the college exam draws nearer, revision turns out to be a surprisingly good distraction from these thoughts.  Jeno cuts contact with the rest of the world, spending more time in the library than at home, and math equations, poems, and English verbs occupy his every thought, leaving no time to think of Renjun. Admittedly, he’s glad to have Jaemin and Donghyuck by his side, leaving him cheery post-it notes in his exercise books, or accompanying him on his night-long revision sessions - although they inevitably end up falling asleep, face down on top of their textbooks. Jeno reminds himself that he’ll need to take them out to dinner to thank them once everything is done.

 

***

Renjun’s never been on a train, nevermind taken a train alone. Minhyung got him the ticket and when Renjun came back from the temple after morning prayers, he found it in an envelope slipped under his door. He’d spent the whole day on edge, dropping a teacup while having tea with his grandmother and getting scolded for being distracted during lessons with his tutor. 

When the night falls, though, he’s ready, his bag filled with the bare necessities on his back. He slips out of the house silently, walking through the garden under the moonlight and accompanied by the croaks of frogs. Minhyung’s not here to see him off, they already said their goodbyes, and Renjun’s glad because he thinks that his cousin’s presence might make him have second thoughts. Without anyone to see him leave, he finds it easier, leaving that old, familiar house behind without a glance back.

 

Sitting in the train, curled up against the window, the regular, mechanic noise of the train, so different from that of night owls and temple chimes, rocks him to sleep. He doesn’t dream. For the first time since he can remember, there are no spirits or deities walking in his mind, and no eerie premonition or fragment of the future. As Oon had warned him, he is going somewhere where the gods have no power and where he is truly alone.

  
  


He wakes up feeling shaken and lost, to the sound of the speakers above announcing the train’s arrival at Seoul Station. Stepping off the train and setting foot in Seoul for the first time is like breaking the surface of the water after staying underwater for so long. Everything is bright and loud and Renjun has never felt so small. The station is huge, filled with colourful advertisements, loudspeaker announcements, and electronic panels announcing departures and arrivals. There are people everywhere around him, rushing in all directions, talking on their phones or sending texts, brushing past Renjun without even bothering to glance at him. The constant movement around him makes Renjun’s head swirl. He’s never seen this many people or been in a place like this, he’s almost certain that his mouth has been open for a solid minute and he’s on the edge on panicking, feeling like he’s going to get swallowed by the chaos.

Gathering his emotions and pushing them aside for now, he digs in his pocket and pulls out the small flip phone Minhyung gave him. There's only two contacts in it: Minhyung and Yuta, an acquaintance of Minhyung’s, that he is supposed to call when he arrives. "He's a good person, he'll take you in for all the time you need and show you the ropes behind the city life," Minhyung had promised.

Nervously, Renjun presses on the call button under Yuta's name. 

He answers after the first ring. "Hello?"

Renjun takes a deep breath and tries not to embarrass himself, "Hello, this is Renjun, I'm Minhyung's-"

"Oh my gods!" A loud cry from the other side of the phone surprises Renjun. "You've already arrived? We were going to be there when you arrived, but thanks to someone-" Renjun thinks he hears some grumbled complaints in the background, "- we're still on the bus, we'll be there really soon, alright? Hm... we should find a meeting point. How about in front of the McDonalds? That should be visible enough. It's fine for you, right? We'll see you really soon, Renjun!" 

And before Renjun can even get a word in, Yuta's disconnected the line and Renjun's left looking at the phone screen, a little stunned. 

He's been waiting out in front of the McDonalds for maybe ten minutes when he gets tackled by a short man who grabs him tightly in a bear hug. Renjun, terrified, doesn't budge, and when the man moves away, he sees that his aggressor is a really handsome brunette, with a straight fringe, green contact lenses, and cross earrings. 

"You must be Renjun!" the man exclaims, in a very enthusiastically familiar voice, "I'm Yuta! I've really been looking forward to meeting you, Mark's told me so much about you. Wow, you're really cute. Like a bunny." Yuta makes to ruffle Renjun's hair, but the other dodges too quickly. Yuta doesn't seem affected in the least and instead turns to his right to introduce the person who came with him. "This is Taeyong, he's my flatmate, also my boyfriend."

Taeyong is a bit taller than Yuta, with soft pink hair, and looks like he's straight out of one of those mangas that Jisung and Chenle read. He looks pretty grumpy, scowling when Yuta introduces him as a flatmate before significant other. He also looks like he's used to Yuta's antics and, choosing to ignore him, give a comforting smile to Renjun.

"I apologise for Yuta’s behaviour. He’s not really familiar with social norms, but he is harmless, I promise. It’s nice to meet you, Renjun." He gives Renjun a small bow and Renjun bows back, glad that one of the two strangers in front of him seems civil and polite. 

"Have you eaten yet?" Yuta asks.

Renjun shakes his head and Taeyong proposes they stop inside the McDonalds to get lunch. 

 

So Renjun ends up inside the McDonalds, eating his first ever burger while Yuta recalls the story of how he first met Minhyung all while stealing all of Taeyong's fries one by one.

"We met in Osaka when he came to stay with our temple for a sort of summer exchange. I was born and raised in that place and we bonded over the fact that we were both rebellious teenagers stuck in an environment with way too much incense and meditation. We kept in touch after that, he helped me with my Korean, and, a couple of years back, I moved to Seoul."

Renjun listens to the story with round eyes, having eaten his hamburger in a solid three minutes because he was so hungry. He finds it hard to picture cool, fashionable Yuta growing up in a temple, but it just goes to show that surroundings contribute to the image we have of a person.

"You speak Korean really well," Renjun compliments Yuta. He hasn't even noticed an accent and if he hadn't known that Yuta was from Japan, he would easily think that he was Korean.

Taeyong rolls his eyes, "Yuta's more Korean than me, and I've lived in Seoul my whole life. Sometimes I wonder if he's actually ever set foot in Japan."

Yuta seems to take all this very well, smiling brightly. "I just really like Korea and Seoul in particular. It's so lively and energetic, there's so many things to do. Honestly, Renjun, you're going to love it here."

"Is there a particular reason why you’ve come here?" Taeyong asks. 

Renjun's not sure how much Minhyung has told them and he's not sure he wants to tell them the whole story, at least not until he gets to know them better, but he settles for telling them the truth, as it is, "I want to have fun. I want to explore the world and, if possible, figure out who I am as a person."

Renjun's decided. He's not going to look for Jeno. He knows that Oon was right about his decision to come here: it's something that he had to do for himself, to push himself out of his comfort zone and into the real world. Maybe if he finds himself, then maybe he can face Jeno again.

“Don’t worry, kid,” Yuta pats him on the shoulder. “I know that feeling, of leaving everything you know behind and taking a step into the unknown. Although it might seem terrifying at first, it’s really liberating. We’ll be here to help you settle in, step by step.”

Renjun smiles for the first time since he’s set foot in Seoul. He’s in good hands, he decides.


	4. find you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: panic attack  
> i don't know if this classifies, it's not very explicit, but i would much rather you be safe and comfortable. in case it isn't clear by now, jeno has anxiety and this will be addressed (although much of it was cut out of my original draft)
> 
> chapter title from jj project's find you

Exams fly by and although it’s the last high school exams Jeno will ever take, it doesn’t feel like the end and Jeno feels like he’s stuck in time, unable to picture for the first time in his life, what his life will look like three months from now.

Starting college, moving into student dorms, going to morning lectures, meeting new people... What about Jaemin and Donghyuck? There’s a high chance they won’t get into the same college, especially with Donghyuck nailing his audition for the vocal department of a prestigious arts college, and it feels weird to think that they won’t be there by his side everyday. Will he move on and make other friends? Will he find someone he likes and start dating?

The picture feels odd and makes him uncomfortable, or, more precisely, it feels like something is missing. 

Now that exams are over, seniors still have to go to school, but Jeno is free from studying and therefore has a lot more time to think about Renjun. He’s given up on sending letters to Renjun, certain at this point that it is futile, but he did mention in his final letter that he would try and come back to the village during his winter break next month. It hard however, to stop the neverending downward spiral of stress and doubt. Jaemin’s become accustomed to his nightly rants about the matter, trying to reassure him at first before becoming truly desperate at seeing his friend in this state.

Jeno avoids looking at the moon on his way home from Jaemin’s at night, it reminds him of Renjun and it’s too painful.

Yet that doesn’t stop him from seeing Renjun everywhere. On his way to school, in the milk aisle when he’s shopping, while waiting for his laundry in the laundromat, he’s always spotting that tuft of black hair, that shy smile, hearing his voice. It’s like he’s haunted by the ghost of Renjun.

While waiting for the subway one day, he looks up from his phone to notice a figure on the platform across from him. A small frame, jet black hair, bent over a book, and there’s no doubt in Jeno’s mind that it’s him. Not caring about missing his train, he runs up the stairs. When he arrives, out of breath, on the other platform, the spot where he had been standing is empty and a train is pulling away from the station.

It takes a day of reflection and nagging from Jaemin, who thinks he’s insane, to convince him that the person he’d seen was not Renjun.

 

It gets to the point where Jeno starts to feel resentment for Renjun, for refusing to come with him, for not replying to his letter, for making him go through this. Of course, he immediately regrets his thoughts and hates himself for even thinking of it, but, still, he can’t shake the feeling that he needs to see Renjun or hear from him otherwise he’s truly going to go insane.

 

The nightmares come back, but they don’t bother Jeno, who’s grown used to them and to the sleep deprivation associated with them. Jaemin notices the dark circles under his eyes and asks him if he’s having insomnia, suggests Jeno should see a doctor, but he doesn’t insist when Jeno declines, saying it’s not necessary. Jaemin doesn’t know the extent of the nightmares that plague, he thinks that it’s just his longing for Renjun that keeps him up. Jeno wishes it were the truth.

One night, the nightmare is stronger, more vivid. He’s pulled under water, his limbs made of lead, dragging him further down into the depths. He wakes up, eyes flying open, in the middle of the night and it’s as if the nightmare hasn’t ended. He can’t move and it feels like a huge weight is pressing down on his chest, compressing his rib cage. He can’t breathe and he’s just lying there on his bed, frozen in fear, feeling the pain building up in his lungs, desperate for oxygen. Until, all of a sudden, the spell breaks, the weight lifted from his chest, and he takes in a huge breath.

It only lasted about a minute, but the experience is so horrifying that Jeno lays, curled up on his bed with tears in his eyes for hours after that, shivering, and unable to get back to sleep. He can still taste the death in his mouth and the shock of what he just went through is fresh in his mind.

 

A couple of days later, he receives a letter, simple black letters on white paper, telling him that he’s been accepted into SNU. Despite staring at the letter for several hours, it still doesn’t sink in.

His hard work had finally paid off. His parents, who took him out to dinner that night, had these bright smiles plastered on their faces as they told him how proud they were. It felt like the first time he’d ever been acknowledged by them and it made him feel slightly uneasy. 

When his great aunt calls him the next day, though, it’s a whole other story. She sounds genuinely proud and happy for him, bubbling over with stories of him as a child and how she’d always believed in him.

“To think that that idiot who fell in the creek would one day be accepted into Seoul National University,” she laughs at the memory. “You were such a clumsy child, but you grew up to be such an intelligent and responsible adult.”

Jeno smiles at the compliment, but something his great aunt said catches his attention. “What did you say, auntie? I fell in a creek?”

His aunt chuckles at the memory. “Yes, it was one summer when you came to visit me. You must’ve been about six or so, I guess you were too young to remember. But, anyways, you fell in the creek, didn’t know how to swim, and we found you by the side of the river, drenched and shaken, having no memory of how you’d gotten out. You just remembered someone had saved you, dragged you out of the water, but there was no sign of anyone else. We all found it a bit strange, but chose not to question it, we were just glad that you were safe.”

Jeno’s head is buzzing. The story sounds all too familiar, and it brings back the images of nightmares, where’s he’s drowning, gasping for air. It had never occurred to him that the dream might have been a fragment of a lost memory.

“You really don’t remember any of it?” his great aunt asks over the phone.

Jeno decides not to worry her needlessly. “Ah, sorry, auntie, I don’t remember anything at all. It sounds like quite an event, though, I must’ve been a worrisome child.”

“You don’t even know the half of it, Lee Jeno!” his aunt cackles.

 

When he hangs up, Jeno just stands there in silence, letting the knowledge that he has gained sink in. Now that he knows about the incident that triggered his nightmares, he wants to find out more. What truly happened to him that day? Who saved him? More importantly, the memory had been buried for years in his mind, but had suddenly been brought out again for some unknown reason. Could there have been something to trigger it?

 

***

 

Seoul is fascinating and Renjun thinks that he won’t ever get used to it. He’s never seen this many cars, this many people, buildings as tall as this. The whole city seems to move and grow endlessly, never resting for one second. Gone the sounds of birds and the stars filling up the night sky, replaced by the bustle of the city and a pitch black sky, devoid of stars.  It’s as if the people of the city have taken the gods and replaced them with their own deities: cars, smart phones, and high speed internet. It’s complex and well-organised, but to the point where it becomes chaotic. It takes him a month to be able to navigate the subway by himself, without getting lost in the different lines and stations. 

However, as the months fly by and winter settles in comfortably, Renjun misses home. He catches a cold and find himself longing for the warm herbal tea that his grandmother would prepare to help him get to bed on those cold winter nights. Oddly enough, he also misses the dreams and messages from the gods. Oon had warned him, but Renjun realises now that he severely underestimated how hard it would be to part with everything he’s ever known. 

He begins every morning with a prayer, at a small atlar he’s set up in the guest room he’s staying in. It’s nothing compared to the grand family temple, just a small table with a small wooden figure of Oon he kept, as well as incense and offerings, mostly uncooked rice. It’s still the same words that come out of his mouth when he bows to greet his guardian deity and he still speaks to him with familiarity about his concerns. 

But there’s something different about the city, as if the cement walls that surround him prevent his words from reaching them. He knows they’re still up there listening, but he can’t feel their presence at all, not even when he needs guidance, on those days when he misses Jeno desperately. He asks for their advice, whether he should look for him, whether they’ll be reunited soon, but there’s no reply, not a single sign. His dreams are empty. He walks in the deserted forest of the gods endlessly.

And despite all of the friends he’s making and the freedom that he’s felt since coming here, he feels an emptiness inside him, a lost sense of purpose or a lost friend.

Yuta explains to him one day that it’s because there are spots in the world where the line between our world and theirs is thin enough so that they can communicate with us. In Renjun’s village, in Yuta’s temple in Osaka, there are hundreds of place like this all over the world, but for Seoul, it’s different. The boundary between worlds is too broad. It’s possible for messages to pass in one way, but it’s more rare in the opposite direction.

“Did you find it difficult to adapt?” Renjun asks the man whom he’s come to consider as an older brother.

“I did, at first. I wasn’t as close to my gods as you, but when I first came to the city, despite how prepared I thought I was, it felt like a lost child who had let go of their parent’s hand. And then I realised that I had been doing the wrong thing my whole life. I had been leaning on the gods too much, expecting so much from them when the majority of people in the world go about their lives without even feeling their presence over their shoulder. 

“The gods are everywhere, in everything you see or touch. You don’t have to hear from them to know that they’re there, guiding your every footstep. If you believe in your gods, Renjun, then you must know that they believe in you and your decisions. Trust yourself.”

 

He arrived when the leaves were gold and red, saw them fall from the trees, and now, when he looks up, they’re barren and grey. He saw the first snowfall of the winter, covering the city in a thin white veil, saw the decorations being put up and then put away for Christmas and New Years. He’s spent months in Seoul and still not a single sign of Jeno and worry niggles at the back of his mind. So much time has passed since he’s last seen Jeno that he’s sure that the other has forgotten about him. He was just a summer fling, perhaps. Although he knows it’s not true, it hurts to think about the possibility. In order to take his mind off of it, he works and works, probably more than he should.

Soon after Renjun’s arrival in Seoul, Yuta had introduced him to his Chinese friend Sicheng, who owns a tea room and had gladly hired Renjun as a waiter and helper. Sicheng, who looked like a tall dark haired brooding guy at first glance, was actually kind, very smiley, and a little bit shy.

Sicheng was ecstatic to find out that Renjun spoke basic Mandarin. It had been one of the classes his grandma had taught him, so that he could study and discuss Confucius’s writing. They often had small conversations in Mandarin, with Sicheng always praising Renjun on his Mandarin, even when he stumbled on phrases or couldn’t find the right word. He treated Renjun like a little brother and it reminded him of the way Minhyung would look after him.

 

Working is all about finding the right rhythm: cleaning tables, taking orders, serving up tea and Chinese delicacies. The whole shop is brightly lit and decorated with lanterns, paintings, and flowers. It’s definitely not the worst place for a first job and Renjun quickly becomes good friends with the two other workers there, Doyoung and Kun, who are both friendly and funny. More than once, Renjun gets glared at by customers for laughing too loud at a joke Doyoung made. Sicheng, despite being their boss, doesn’t seem to mind the disturbance to his business, and turns out to be a real softie, especially around Kun.

It feels strange to Renjun, being able to laugh and joke around freely with others, and he almost feels as if he’s been dropped into a new life. His home village and his family seem so far away now, it’s almost as if they only exist in a parallel universe. The only reminder of his home is the moon, constant and reliable, shining above the top of the buildings as he makes his way home after work every night. He greets it every night like an old friend, grateful for a familiar presence in this foreign environment.

It also reminds him of the time he spent with a certain Seoul boy, staring up at the stars, and, although he can’t see the stars here, he misses Jeno’s presence next to him as they lay on the grass, the ease with which they slipped into conversation, the way in which Renjun was able to bare his heart to him.

“Soon,” he tells himself for the millionth time. 

He spends his free time reading books or exploring the city, with Yuta and Taeyong or alone, feeling like he’s getting closer to Jeno as well, by walking in the same streets as him, by visiting the same places.

When Renjun receives his first paycheck from Sicheng, he immediately takes it to Yuta and Taeyong to thank them for their generosity and for letting him freeload at their place, but Taeyong refuses categorically. Instead, he takes Renjun out to a store and helps him pick out his first real cell phone, to replace that ancient flip phone Minhyung gave him. 

Renjun doesn’t know how he’s gotten so lucky to have ended up with people as nice as Taeyong and Yuta, who practically treat him like a son and haven’t complained even once about having an extra mouth to feed, despite both of them earning meagre salaries.

 

Renjun calls Minhyung every weekend without fail, asking for news from his town and family. He stays deliberately vague about his grandma’s reaction to his disappearance and Renjun can’t help the guilt that grips his heart when he thinks about how much he must’ve hurt her. “She’ll come around eventually, you know. She’s our grandmother, she’ll understand why you did what you did,” Minhyung always reassures him, before diverting the subject and pressing him with questions about his own life, how he’s finding Seoul, what he thinks of Yuta-hyung. Even if Minhyung’s far away now, he still never fails to cheer Renjun up.

 

“Aren’t you going to look for him?” Yuta asks suddenly one night. They’re eating takeout, wrapped in blankets on the couch in front of a movie, waiting for Taeyong to get home from work.

“Who?”

“The person you came here to reunite with.”

“Oh.” Renjun is surprised that Yuta knows about Jeno, but he supposes Minhyung may have had to bring him up when explaining why his cousin needed a place to stay in Seoul. What surprises him more, though, is the fact that Yuta has remained silent about it this whole time. He appreciates the elder’s respect for his privacy.

“No. I’m not going to look for him,” Renjun answers softly. “If I’m meant to see him again, I will. If I haven’t seen him yet, it’s probably because I’m not ready.”

Yuta shakes his head in disbelief, turning to look Renjun straight in the eyes. “Renjun, the biggest decision you made was choosing to come here. You’re ready. If anyone isn’t, it’s him, not you. You’ve sacrificed so much to come here. What has he given to be with you?”

Renjun doesn’t know how to answer and he just lets Yuta turn back to the TV screen and fall back into silence. 

The idea of Jeno having to sacrifice something to be with him whittles away at him, though, uncomfortably so. He’d never thought about the fact that people might need to change in order to be in a relationship. Is this how love works? Will Jeno be changed when he meets him again?

Renjun knows he promised Oon and also himself that he would wait, but he misses Jeno so much. He wishes his fate would hurry up so that he can see him again.

 

***

 

As their graduation approaches, Jeno grows more nervous. He’s got a lot on his mind, from nightmares to university to Renjun. Jaemin and Donghyuck say that he's been distant and decide to get him to feel better by dragging him on a shopping date, which is quite ridiculous because Jeno hates shopping. He ends up, like always, waiting around while Donghyuck and Jaemin try on clothes and walk around every single clothing store in sight. By the end, Jeno's exhausted, hasn't bought a single item, despite Jaemin trying to convince him that he would look good in a ridiculous long blue shirt, and is also ready to sit down somewhere and rest - or preferably pass out - to try and get over this never ending afternoon. Jaemin says he knows a tea room not far from there where they could get a drink and chat and Jeno is incredibly grateful when they manage to pry Donghyuck away from the bedazzled sneakers he has been contemplating for the past hour, wondering whether or not to get them. 

The tea room is around the corner from the main street, it's a Chinese place, from the looks of the dragon above the door, and Jaemin steps inside first.

Jeno sees him almost immediately. The shock of red hair draws his attention, but when he looks for a bit longer, it's a familiar figure, dressed in a waiter's outfit, behind the counter. He hears him laugh, lightly, melodically, at something another waiter said, and any trace of doubt that existed is erased. Donghyuck behind him is complaining that he stopped in the doorway.

He panics. Turning around, pushing past Donghyuck, he makes his way down the street, attempting to get away from the tea room, when he hears Jaemin's voice behind him. "Lee Jeno!" 

He stops in the middle of the street. People bump into him and he's given a few strange stares. When he feels a hand on his shoulder and turns around, he's infinitely relieved to see his best friend in front of him. 

Jeno feels like he's going to burst into tears in the middle of the street, he's got so many questions swirling in his head, and he's torn between going back to see Renjun and running away and hiding in a hole. Why is Renjun in Seoul? Why hasn't he contacted him? Why did he come here?

"Are you ok, Jeno?" Jaemin sounds genuinely worried for his friend.

Jeno shakes his head slightly. 

"Do you want to go home? We can talk about what happened there." Jeno may hate Jaemin sometimes for being too loud and nosy, but he truly loves his best friend and knows that no one else could understand what he needs before he even knows himself.

He nods, still refusing to speak, and Jaemin just gives him a small smile and links their arms to walk together.

 

They manage to send Donghyuck away without too many issues. He understood from the look on Jaemin's face that now was not the time to be complaining, and he left them, with a promise to see them another time for a FiFa tournament.

Jeno and Jaemin end up on Jaemin's bed, wrapped in warm blankets, holding mugs of tea. After a moment of banter about the tea and the weather that's already getting colder, Jaemin turns towards his friend with a serious expression on his face.

"Look Jeno, I know you're probably tired of my interventions, but I need to know - what happened back there?"

“It was him... I-I panicked, Nana, I didn’t know what to do...” Jeno feels the tears well up in his eyes, he feels miserable.

“Hush, don’t worry,” Jaemin says, pulling him into a hug, his special weapon for comforting Jeno. “It was Renjun? Are you sure?”

Jeno nods, hugging his friend close because he can feel the stress winding tighter in his chest and the tears threatening to overflow. “He came to Seoul, he r-really came, and he didn’t contact me. What if he doesn’t want to see me? Oh god, what if he hates me? How could he even like me in the first place? It didn’t-”

“Jeno,” Jaemin calmly brings him back to reality, “You’re not making sense. Renjun came to Seoul. Shouldn’t this make you happy? This was what you wanted, remember? To see him again.”

“T-that’s true,” Jeno sniffles pitifully on his friend’s shoulder.

“Why don’t you go back and talk to him, find out his side of the story, why he came here?”

Jeno’s voice is raw and honest, “I’m scared.”

When Jaemin speaks again, he’s quiet but firm. He’s not one for sugar coating the truth. “Jeno, you ran away today. This time and last time too. I understand that you were scared, that you panicked, but, by doing this, you’re just hurting yourself even more.” Jaemin pulls away from him and holds him by the shoulders, staring straight into his eyes. “You have to put away all of those irrational thoughts and focus on what you feel for him. If you face him with an open, honest heart, then there is no place for regrets. But you have to be able to take that step and speak to him.”

 

Jeno feels himself crumbling under Jaemin’s gaze. He thinks about Jaemin’s words, that he’s the one who caused this by running away. At the tea room. But even before, when he had left Renjun behind and gone back to Seoul, he was taking the easy way out and running away from any new possibilities. He should’ve done it right, he should’ve insisted, he should’ve talked it through with Renjun instead of leaving so many things left unsaid. He’s filled with a deep sense of self hatred. “Why am I like this, Nana? Why can’t I ever do anything right?” 

When he hears Jeno’s murmured pleas, Jaemin immediately hugs him tightly again, not being able to bear seeing his best friend like this. 

“Hush, now, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re going to set this right, I believe in you.”

Jeno breathes out a shaky breath. He knows that Jaemin’s right, that he has to face Renjun, even if he’s not sure he’s ready for it. He hugs Jaemin back.

“Thank you for being here, Nana. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, silly goose, you owe me a tub of ice cream. My best friend services don’t come free, you know.”

And Jeno half laughs at that, blinking the tears out of the corners of his eyes. He’s honestly got the best friend in the world and wouldn’t trade him for anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bonus chapter for the lovely commenters who left nice comments on the previous chapters. i'm so very grateful for your words!
> 
> also shoutout to my tattoo artist, who gave me the motivation to write again while digging several needles into my arm


	5. firework

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from got7's firework

Jeno pushes open the door to the tea room, walks up to the counter, and is immediately met with a shock of bright hair and Renjun’s kind, welcoming smile. “I knew you would come,” are the first words he says to Jeno.

The other boy just stands there for a while, jaw half hanging open in amazement at being able to see Renjun again after so long. He still looks just as beautiful as the day they parted and the red hair only accentuates the depth of his eyes and the light flush on his cheeks.

Gathering his thoughts and closing his mouth, he finally processes what Renjun has said. “Did you get a dream premonition telling you I would come?” he asks, curious.

Renjun laughs lightly and, god, Jeno had missed that laugh so much. “No, I just know you, Lee Jeno. I knew, after that first time, that you’d come back for sure.”

Jeno winces internally. Of course, he hadn’t gone unnoticed during his first visit to the tea room. He takes a deep breath, trying not to embarrass himself any more, when he asks, “Do you want to take a seat and talk with me?” He knows he sounds desperate, but Renjun, as kind as he is, just smiles and nods.

“I’ll go ask my boss for a break. What do you want to drink?”

Jeno sighs a breath of relief. “I’m fine. I don’t need anything.”

“Oolong it is, then.”

 

Jeno finds an empty table next to a window and when Renjun comes to his table, he’s holding a tray with a pot of tea, two teacups, and some snacks. He sets it down on the table and takes a seat across from Jeno and begins pouring tea for the two of them while Jeno sneaks more furtive glances at him. He thanks Renjun when he hands him his teacup and just holds it quietly, the heat seeping from the ceramic serving to comfort him.

“I’m sorry for running away the last time,” Jeno starts off by saying, looking up to find Renjun looking straight at him. “I-I was...” he starts to give an excuse but his voice trails off.

“Don’t be sorry,” Renjun kindly waves away his words, “I understand it must’ve been a shock.”

Jeno nods and, unable to hold it any longer, asks the question burning on the tip of his tongue, “When did you come to Seoul?”

“About a month and a half after you left.”

“Oh,” is the only sound that comes out of Jeno’s mouth, then, before he can think any better of it, he asks, “Did you read my letters?”

Surprise flashes in Renjun’s eyes. “What letters?”

“Um… I wrote to you after I left. You gave me your address, remember?”

Renjun nods, “Of course I do. I never received anything, though, so I assumed that you had forgotten or were busy.” As he speaks, he seems to realise something. “There’s a chance… It’s possible that your letters were intercepted and that’s why they never reached me.”

Jeno doesn’t know what to do with that information. That possibility didn’t even cross his mind during his spiral of anxiety about not getting a reply. For some reason, he wants to apologise, for ever thinking any of those thoughts about Renjun, but instead asks, “Why didn’t you contact me when you came to Seoul?” He’s trying hard not to seem heartbroken and failing when his voice breaks at the end of his sentence.

“I had to let fate play out itself.” 

_ Fate can be damned if it kept me from you _ , thinks Jeno.

“But I also wanted to do this for me, Jeno,” Renjun adds, as if reading Jeno’s mind. “I didn’t want to be some lost damsel running off to Seoul to be with you. It was hard to break away, to leave behind everything I’ve ever known. I wanted to be free, to lift the mask and find out who I really was.”

“Did you find out?” Jeno’s voice is almost a whisper.

“I did.” Renjun smiles at him brightly, and Jeno’s suddenly struck by the fact that he’s never seen Renjun this expressive before. He’s smiling a lot, speaking openly with him, and it’s as if he’s completely left behind that emotionless, stone personality that he used as a shield.

“I’m so glad, Injunnie,” Jeno says honestly, all tension between them dissolving.

“I missed you calling me that,” Renjun admits, blushing slightly. 

“I missed _ you _ ,” Jeno blurts out. “Like, a lot. I’m pretty sure Jaemin was two fingers away from murdering me if I mentioned you one more time.”

Jeno’s abrupt confession makes Renjun laugh and Jeno knows he’s addicted. He won’t ever be able to breathe without hearing that laugh.

“I like your hair. Why’d you change it?” He asks.

“Ah,” Renjun reaches up to touch the strands of red atop his head, “For a change, I guess? My coworker, Doyoung, suggested it and I thought it wasn’t a bad idea. Everything around me has changed and I just wanted to change too.”

“Are you changed?” Jeno asks, trying and failing not to sound nervous.

“In what sense?”

He hesitates, “I mean, do you still feel the same? About us.”

Renjun stays quiet for a while, as if considering it. “Yes,” he finally breathes out. Jeno breathes out a sigh of relief and at the same time, feels his heart bouncing in happiness. 

“But I want to have a new start,” Renjun continues. “This is a new world for me and I’m seeing a new side of you here. I want to get to know you better, little by little. It’s too early for me to promise anything.”

Jeno swallows and nods. It’s understandable. They haven’t seen each other for months after their confession, who knows how their feelings have changed in those months? “I understand.” 

He stares down at his, now empty, teacup and looks up to see a new group of customers coming in. He feels his time here is coming to an end and, although he doesn’t want to part from Renjun so soon after their reunion, he promises, “I’ll come back, ok? I’ll be back everyday to see you.” 

He doesn’t say it, but he also means that he’s going to give it his all to win Renjun’s heart back, to make him trust him again. 

 

He keeps his promise and comes back the next day, and the next, and the next. It’s like he’s drawn towards Renjun everyday, sitting at the same spot, sipping tea while waiting for Renjun to go on break. They chat a lot, about everything that’s happened in their lives in the past 4 months, Renjun talking about Yuta and Taeyong taking him in, Jeno mostly about graduating and the university that he’s going to start attending soon.

It’s so strange, seeing Renjun in this new setting, but, in the end, he’s still Renjun and Jeno is still Jeno and they’re still inexplicably quick to fall into being friends again.They’re at ease with each other for the most part, but they’re both painfully aware that something is different. Everytime Renjun laughs and he catches Jeno staring, he seems to stop abruptly. It’s like they’re both carefully toeing an invisible line.

  
  


The first time they meet outside of the cafe is a step forward, Jeno thinks. He invited Renjun to join him, Donghyuck, and Jaemin at the arcade and was surprised to see that Renjun was so enthusiastic about the idea. 

“So this is the man who stole my best friend’s heart,” is the phrase with which Jaemin greets Renjun, receiving a well-deserved slap on the back from Jeno.

Renjun looks flustered for approximately half a second, before putting on a well-mannered smile and introducing himself to the two boys. “My name is Huang Renjun, it’s really nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about both of  you from Jeno.”

“I hope he hasn’t been slandering my reputation again,” Donghyuck complains, glaring at Jeno who’s innocently shaking his head.

“Enough of these formalities, what game do we start with?” Jaemin cuts in before the conversation can stray any further.

Renjun speaks up shyly, noticing Jaemin’s gaze is directed at him. “I’ve never… um… I’ve never really been to an arcade before.”

Donghyuck gasps loudly and stares at him with wide eyes, mouth slightly open. “How is that even possible?”

“Um… well…”

Jeno swoops in to save him from having to explain himself, “It doesn’t matter Hyuk, he’ll be on my team so I can help him. Who knows, he might even have a beginner’s luck!”

  
  


Beginner’s luck is a myth fabricated by the CIA is Jeno’s conclusion one hour into their arcade trip. 

Renjun has been hopeless at absolutely every single game they’ve played, not managing to get a single ball in the hoop at the basketball game, and not even Jeno’s amazing shooting could save them from three consecutive team losses. Jeno had insisted on playing Just Dance next, hoping that Renjun’s traditional dance skills might prove to be useful, but had regretted it the moment Renjun’s legs got tangled and he almost fell off the platform. 

But despite their neverending losses, Renjun seems to be having a lot of fun, laughing almost uncontrollably at the intense dance showdown between Jeno and Donghyuck, chatting happily with Jaemin when they come back from buying drinks for everyone, and flashing Jeno several bright smiles that make his heart ache.

  
  


When Donghyuck and Jaemin wander off to go play some car racing game, Jeno seizes his chance and drags Renjun to the claw machines. 

“Pick a plushie you like and I’ll win it for you,” he assures, with much fake bravado. 

Renjun points out a cute Moomin plushie and spends the next twenty minutes giggling softly as Jeno tries again and again to get the plushie. 

“That was so close!” Jeno cries out, pressing his head against the glass in frustration. 

“Can I have a go?” Renjun asks.

Renjun is apparently blessed with incredible luck from the god of claw machines because he manages to get the plushie in one attempt, letting out a shout of victory as it drops into the hole and he bends down to pick it up.

“It’s for you,” he announces victoriously, pressing it into Jeno’s hands. His smile is so nice and his cheeks so round that Jeno wants nothing more than to cup his face and kiss him.

He doesn’t, though and nothing changes between them the day after, when Jeno shows up at the cafe and they resume their usual chatter. Jeno’s unsure and anxious. He’s not sure if he should make a move but doesn’t want to burden Renjun. He’s probably moved on, he tells himself. He’s changed so much, how could his feelings still remain the same?

 

Jeno comes by the tea room so often that he even becomes familiar with the other workers there, Sicheng and Khun slipping him free fortune cookies with his tea because they know he’s Renjun’s friend and asking him to call them hyung. Doyoung is more of a puzzle and Jeno can’t tell if it’s because he dislikes Jeno or just because he’s tired of seeing him come in every single day. 

The truth comes out one day, while he’s orders his usual order, handing Doyoung a bill.

“You know, you could just ask him to go on a date,” Doyoung drops nonchalantly as he hands Jeno his change.

“Sorry?” Jeno squeaks out in surprise.

“All Renjun does during his shift is talk about you, I’m sure he wouldn’t refuse if you asked him to go on a date.”

Jeno can feel his face heating up. He thanks Doyoung and quickly retreats to his table.

 

***

 

It’s been over a month since his reunion with Jeno and Renjun’s feelings are a mess. He tried to begin from a clean slate, but somehow he’s falling for Jeno again quicker than expected. It’s not falling for him that’s the problem per say, but rather not knowing what the next step should be. 

Asking someone to date you shouldn’t be as hard as moving to the city by yourself without knowing anyone there, but, somehow, he’s completely lost as to how he should go about it. His priestling training never gave him the skills necessary for this. He can imagine the gods up in the sky gleefully sipping tea while rejoicing over his helplessness. 

Instead, Renjun whines to his friends, coworkers, and Yuta about the cute things that Jeno does. Like when he blows on his tea and his nose scrunches up or when he orders cake and they split it with Renjun or when he held Renjun’s hand at the arcade. He’s pretty sure his friends have had enough of his ramblings about Jeno, even sweet-hearted Kun looked slightly annoyed the last time he brought it up during break time. 

It’s more than just Jeno’s subtle affection, though, that has Renjun gravitating back towards him. Jeno isn’t perfect. It’s probably the fact that they’re in the city now, the place where Jeno has grown up, but more and more, Renjun’s able to see past his warm exterior and discovers that Jeno has some deep insecurities. It’s not that they’re speaking about it, but it just slips through the cracks sometimes, when Jeno gets anxious and apologetic about something that’s not his fault or when he mentions in passing that he’s been having trouble sleeping. 

They’re not talking about it because Jeno hasn’t let him in yet, or, rather, Renjun hasn’t reached out to him yet. Jeno’s afraid, that’s obvious, that Renjun won’t like him if he finds out, so he tries his best to hide it. But he couldn’t be further from the truth. Renjun wants to love Jeno’s flaws as well as his blinding smile. He wants to be there for him in the future. 

 

Renjun’s torn from his thoughts by Jeno returning to their table with a platter of tea in his hands. He barely looks at Renjun as he takes his seat and begins to serve tea. It’s strange, that he doesn’t seem to notice the silence between them or the way Renjun is intensely staring at him, searching his expression.

“Did Doyoung-hyung say something weird to you? You look kind of off ever since you went to get the order.”

Jeno looks up startled, “No, of course not!” he scrambles to explain himself, “Sorry Injunnie, I was just distracted.”

Renjun raises and eyebrow as he reaches for his teacup but chooses to ignore it either way. Their conversation today leads to them talking about travel, seeing as Donghyuck’s gone to see his family in Jeju, and they’re both realising how many places they have yet to see in their own country.

“I really want to go see the sea, I’ve never seen it in person,” Renjun confesses. 

“The winter sea is really beautiful. There’s something magical about seeing the sun rise over the Eastern sea. But it’s already February, so winter will soon be over.”

Renjun sighs deeply. “I know… I’ll probably have to wait until next year to see the real winter sea.”

“What if we went now?”

Renjun’s head snaps up to look at Jeno, who looks just as surprised by what he’s just said. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, if we leave tonight after your shift ends, we could take the night bus and get there in time to see the sun rise.”

“Are you crazy?” Renjun asks in disbelief, but already feeling his heart being tempted by the proposition.

“But you’ve done crazier before.” Jeno gives him a soft smile. How is Renjun supposed to resist him when the corners of his eyes wrinkle so adorably?

 

And thanks to Renjun’s weak heart and Jeno’s crazy ideas, they end up huddled together at the back of the last bus leaving from Seoul. Jeno booked the tickets on his phone at the cafe and they’d left without even stopping to get anything from their apartments. They’ll probably be back before noon the next day, so there’s no need for it anyways.

It’s dark outside for the entirety of the trip, so they don’t get to see any scenery. Instead, Renjun pulls out his book and reads quietly with the light from his booklight. Next to him, Jeno dozes off, his head falling to rest on Renjun’s shoulder, who doesn’t mind in the least. He lets himself get distracted from his book and focuses on the rise and fall of Jeno’s chest when he’s in deep sleep. He looks upset, his eyebrows gathered in a frown and Renjun wonders if he’s perhaps having a nightmare. He sets his book to the side and reaches over to hold Jeno’s hand, giving it a light squeeze in reassurance. Jeno seems to relax imperceptibly, his breathing evening out and becoming more regular. Renjun smiles to himself and realises suddenly that this is the first time he’s ever seen Jeno entirely let his barriers down in front of him. It must be exhausting keeping that part of him under lock and key all the time. 

 

An hour later, he’s gently waking Jeno up, “Jeno, we’re here.” 

A sleepy Jeno looks up at Renjun, looking disoriented and lost, “Huh? Are we there already?”

Renjun smiles at him and tugs on the hand that he’s still holding to pull Jeno up from his seat. “Come on, let’s go see the sea!”

  
  


The sea is a huge expanse of black stretching as far as the eye can see. As soon as they reach the edge of the beach, Renjun can barely contain his excitement and lets go of Jeno’s hand in order to run towards the edge of the water. The beach is deserted at this time of the night but for the seagulls who scatter in confusion when Renjun runs towards them. He reaches the water and barely hears a warning from Jeno before a wave washes in and, before he can step away, the edge of his jeans and shoes and soaked. 

When Jeno reaches him, however, he’s laughing at the situation. Jeno reprimands him but Renjun just stares up at him with a large grin, still unable to contain his excitement.

“Aren’t you going to be cold? I think I have an extra pair of socks in my bag, if you want,” Jeno suggests.

Renjun shakes his head. “I’ll be fine, Jeno. I wish we’d brought swimsuits, I’ve always wondered what it’s like to swim in the ocean.”

“Even if we did bring them, we wouldn’t be able swim, it’s freezing cold at this time of the year.” Jeno hugs his padded coat tighter against the chill of the February night.

“Do you think it’s very salty?” Renjun asks suddenly.

Jeno laughs brightly, finally letting the older’s enthusiasm get to him, “It’s the sea, Renjun, of course it’s salty.”

“Maybe I should taste it and make sure?”

 

After ten minutes of Jeno struggling to convince Renjun that tasting the sea is, in fact, a terrible idea, they settle down on the sand a little way off from the water to wait for the sunrise.

They’re huddled shoulder to shoulder, as if to get a little more heat than what their coats can give them. Months have gone by but Renjun still sees it in his mind, the picture of the sun and moon sitting by the side of the pond. They’ve both changed so much and so has their decor. 

He falls back and lets his head be pillowed by the sand. It’s so silent here, only the sounds of the seagulls and of the waves moving back and forth can be heard. Staring up at the sky, he’s greeted with a familiar sight that immediately makes him smile. 

“You can see the stars here,” he breathes out in amazement.

Besides him, Jeno lays down as well, taking in the sky above them in silence.

“I love Seoul, but I really missed seeing it like this. It reminds me so much of home.”

Jeno must sense the nostalgia in his voice because he asks carefully, as if choosing his words carefully, “Do you think you’ll go back soon?”

Renjun hums pensively, “I want to, but if I were to go back now I don’t think I would be very welcome. From now on, I’ve got to make my own future. I was thinking of preparing for the college entrance exams next year.”

“You should do it if that’s what you want to, I know you’ll succeed if you put your mind to it,” Jeno pauses, letting silence slips into the space between them. He seems scared when he speaks again, barely whispering the words, “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Jeno,” Renjun reassures him.

“No, I do, Renjun. I’m really sorry for what I did back then, making you choose at the time, between a place you love and a boy you barely knew. It was unfair of me to ask you that.”

“Don’t say that,” Renjun reaches over to hold Jeno’s hand. It feels warm and comforting in his. “Even back then, you were so much more than just a stranger to me.”

“But it was wrong of me to ask you to give up everything.”

Renjun doesn’t answer for a while, speaking softly when he does. “I wasn’t strong enough to protect all of the things that meant a lot to me back then.”

“And now?”

“Now I know that I’m not alone. I know that there are people around me who care for me and who will support the decisions I make and the future I choose for myself.”

Jeno replies after a pause, “I wish I could be as brave as you, Injunnie. I don’t know how you manage to stay calm and carefree. There’s just so much going in my head all the time, I worry about every detail, about the future and whether I’m making the right decisions, about what my parents think of me, about what you think of me...”

Renjun holds his breath.  This is the first time Jeno’s ever opened up to him about this and it feels like it’s been a long time coming. “It’s not about being perfect, Jeno... it’s about letting people in, letting them see what’s beneath the mask.” 

“But,” Jeno seems to hesitate and when he speaks again, his voice sounds small and frightened, “if you saw the real me, you would hate me, you would leave me.”

Renjun sits up suddenly and turns to the boy next to him, putting on his most serious expression. “Don’t say that,” he scolds him gently, “I would never hate you. And if anyone hates you because of your weaknesses, then they don’t deserve to be with you.”

Jeno isn’t looking at him and still looks so uncertain, that Renjun asks, “Can I tell you a story?”

Glancing at him curiously, Jeno nods.

Before continuing, Renjun lies back down, so that he can talk while facing the sky. Looking at the stars shining, he can feel with a definite certainty that the gods are listening in to this conversation from above.  “It’s about my mother. You know that she passed away when I was very young.” Next to him, he can feel Jeno holding his breath. “Before I was born, my mother came to Seoul to attend university. I don’t know much of the story, no one in my family really talks about it. All I know is that she fell in love and had her heart broken, but not before she became pregnant with me. 

“She came back to the village to raise her son in her family home. She loved me, Jeno, and in all the time I knew her, she was nothing but happy and bright. Despite being ostracised by her own family for having a child out of wedlock and despite the heartbreak she must have suffered, I never saw her without a smile on her face.  

“Yet I know now how much she must’ve been hurting on the inside. She put on a mask, buried her emotions deep beneath the surface, but the grief consumed her from the inside and in the end, that’s what killed her. When you met me, I was the same. I had long been taught to disconnect myself from my emotions in order to fulfill my role. What I was feeling on the inside, who I was as a person, not as a priestling, no one ever asked me. No one before you…” Renjun’s words drift off, he’s not sure if he meant for it to go this way, but in the end, he realises that he’s never told Jeno how he felt before. 

“You saw past that mask and you made me realise that it was ok to be myself. It’s not because of you that I came to Seoul, but rather thanks to you that I made the decision to come here. Thanks to you, I get to be myself.” When Renjun pauses, the whole world seems to wait with bated breath. “I didn’t want to make the same mistakes as my mother, I wanted to learn how to tell people when I’m in pain, how to accept that I’m not ok some days, to not force myself to be someone that I’m not.”

Renjun takes a deep and shakes his head, “What I want to say is, I’m really thankful for what you’ve done for me and I want to be able to return it. I want to be there for you like you were for me. You don’t have to talk to me about it until you’re ready and you can take your time, but, when you are, I’ll be waiting here for you.” 

There’s a moment of silence and then Renjun hears Jeno call his name softly. “Renjun, can I ask you something?”

He hum affirmatively in response.

“Can you look at me?”

When Renjun turns to his side, he sees Jeno laying in a mirror position, head pillowed by his arm on the sand. His brown eyes are fixed on him intently in a way that makes shivers run down his back. He’s filled with apprehension about what Jeno’s about to say. 

“Renjun,” he’s trying to sound confident, but Renjun can tell that he’s nervous, “I want you to know that you’re the most important person in my life right now. Just having you by my side is enough so, even if I don’t get an answer now, I need to let you know…” He pauses to take a breath and their eyes are locked so that Renjun knows what he’s going to say before he does, “I’m in love with you.”

“Me too,” the words leave Renjun’s lips before Jeno even finishes his sentence.

“What?” 

“I’m in love with you too, idiot.”

And this time, Renjun’s the one that leans forward to press their lips together. Jeno’s still in shock for a split second, but, quickly, he lets go of everything in his mind and reciprocates, moving even closer to close the distance between them and threading his hand through Renjun’s hair. There’s sand everywhere and it’s slightly uncomfortable, but Jeno ignores it to focus on the feeling of Renjun’s lips against his, releasing all of the built up longing and desire in them. It’s like they’re suspended in time, so caught up in the moment that they forget the world around them, as the waves wash back and forth on the sand. 

When Jeno pulls away after what seems like an eternity, Renjun looks up to see that Jeno’s eyes are illuminated and gazing back at him with an expression of awe and adoration. 

“It took us long enough, didn’t it?” Renjun whispers in the space between them, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Jeno nods at him, almost ready to burst with joy. “We must both be fools, to have waited this long when we felt the same.”

“I’m really glad that it happened, even if it took us a long time,”  Renjun reassures him, a bright smile lighting up his face. 

Faster than he can blink, Jeno leans forward to give him a small peck at the corner of his lips. Renjun laughs out in surprise, “What was that for?”

“You’re beautiful when you smile.”

Jeno’s eyes are illuminated, Renjun feels like he’s looking at the sun, when suddenly he realises that the light is coming from somewhere else.

Tearing his eyes away from Jeno, he turns towards the sea to see the edge of the sun has begun to break over the horizon at the edge of the wide expanse of water. Jeno, too, follows his gaze and breathes out in amazement. 

They break apart and sit up to take in the sky tinged with light pink and blue colors and the orange glow of the sun, reflected in the surface of the water, making it seem whole. The morning fog over the sea makes the whole scene magical, as if out of a movie.

Without words, Jeno reaches for Renjun’s hand and intertwines these fingers together. 

“You know,” he breathes out, “before I met you, I didn’t believe in fate.”

“And now?”

“And now… I’m not so sure. Sometimes it feels like I’ve known you my whole life and it’s impossible for me to imagine a future without you in it. If fate led me to you, then I can never be thankful enough.”

 

***

 

It’s the same dream again, he’s sinking under the water, the current dragging him down further and the last bit of oxygen being squeezed out of his lungs. He fights it with all his might, until the strength is sapped from his limbs and then he’s unable to do anything but let himself sink further into that black abyss.

 

Then...

 

Something grabs a hold of his arm, a hand surging from above and before he knows it, he’s being pulled up, towards the light. It’s a person, saving him, but he can’t make out anything but a blurry form in these waters. The light is growing brighter and closer and he can almost feel the sun shining on his face. Relief floods him and not even a second later, he’s breaking through the surface of the water, as if breaking through a glass wall. Air fills his lungs, white light blinds him, and he hears a sharp, clear sound, like a bell ringing. It’s nothing like anything he’s heard before and he knows in his gut that this sound is not anything that could come from the realm of mortals.

“You can wake up now, child,” the deep voice echoes everywhere around him. “You’re in safe hands. But before you go, you must promise me that you will take care of him, just as he will take care of you. It is rare to see two souls with fates so intertwined. Do not let it go to waste.”

The voice doesn’t even have to mention a name, Jeno knows who he’s referring to, and his heart is already set, he’s going to love and protect Renjun with everything he has. Just as he’s about to open his mouth to say so, though, he’s snapped out of his dream as his eyes blink open, slowly adjusting to the light.

“Did you sleep well?” It’s a familiar voice, one that Jeno can’t get enough of. In the bus seat next to him is a boy with slightly faded red hair and a wide smile with a snaggletooth. Renjun was holding his hand while he slept, he realises, feeling the warmth of another hand in his.

He nods, still slightly sleepy, in response to Renjun’s question.

“We still have about an hour left before we reach Seoul, you could sleep more if you want,” Renjun suggests.

The other boy shakes his head. “No, I want to spend the time with you.”

He almost doesn’t see Renjun’s shy smile before he turns towards the window, where fields and forests are rushing by. Jeno squeezes his hand lightly and leans forward to set his chin on Renjun’s shoulder, so that they watch the scenery pass by together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had been watching a lot of dramas when i wrote this chapter... the winter sea scene is inspired by a drama called hogu's love (or fool's love), it's really good and i recommend you watch it :)
> 
> this is the last proper chapter, the next chapter will be an epilogue to tie off a few loose ends
> 
> thank you for reading, please don't hesitate to let me know what you think!


	6. (epilogue) my i

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title chapter is from 'my i' by minghao and jun from seventeen. this is undeniably the song that was the biggest influence/inspiration for this fic. read the lyrics if you can c:

It’s a warm summer day in Seoul and Jeno’s leaning out of the window of the apartment to catch the cool breeze blowing outside. 

“Jeno, come here and get your lemonade,” Ten calls out to him from behind. Jeno turns to find his Thai friend bustling behind the kitchen counter. A glass of iced lemonade is set on the counter and Jeno eagerly reaches for it and takes a long sip.

“It’s refreshing, right?” Johnny is spread out on the couch sipping lemonade in front of the electric fan to get some cold air.

Jeno walks over and plops down next to Johnny. “Yeah, it’s really good. Thanks for having me over by the way.”

Johnny gives him a lazy but friendly smile. Jeno’s known him for approximately two hours, but he’s already starting to like him. “It’s no problem, I was really looking forward to meeting the person Ten’s been talking about so much.”

“What did hyung say about me?”

Johnny laughs at Jeno’s suspicious tone. “Nothing to worry about. He tells me his whole day every evening so I get to hear about all of his acquaintances, from the Starbucks barista who got his name wrong to you, his quirky freshman buddy. It’s a lot to take in, you know, Ten’s life is very busy.”

Jeno laughs at that and smiles when he sees Ten come up behind Johnny and lean down to press a  kiss on his cheek. “You know you like it, though.”

Ten walks around the couch and sits down next to Johnny, pressing another playful kiss on Johnny’s face, teasing him until Johnny admits that he likes everything about Ten and Jeno admires how in love they seem. He’s known Ten for a couple of months, since they met at the university orientation day and Ten took an immediate liking to Jeno, the lost freshman, a bundle of nerves and lame jokes. Despite the fact that they’re several years apart in age, they’d become close and Jeno had integrated his eclectic friend group and also received some tutoring from Ten for statics and dynamics, hence his trip to Ten’s flat on this day. 

He’d heard about Johnny, of course, and had even glimpsed him when he’d come to pick Ten up one day, but he had never properly met him and barely knew anything about him apart from the fact that he was Ten’s long time boyfriend with whom he lived. It felt different seeing Ten with him. The starstruck looks he gave Johnny, the teasing and signs of affection subtly slipped in, it made Jeno feel that this relationship was so much more than just a short burst of infatuation.

One day, when people would look at him and Renjun, would they see the same thing?

“How did you two meet?”

Johnny and Ten glance at each other before chuckling. “It’s a funny story,” Ten tells him. “You see, we actually met when we were both very young in Thailand, but it wasn’t until much later after we’d started dating in college that either of us remembered the event and made the connection.”

Jeno frowns. “What do you mean? You didn’t remember having met each other?”

Johnny shakes his head, “It was such a small event, something that happened while I was on vacation with my family in Bangkok. It never occured to me that I would ever meet him again.”

“If you must know,” Ten continues even though Jeno hasn’t asked anything, “He jumped in to protect me from a couple of bullies, although he didn’t know me, didn’t speak Thai or know how to fight. He just ran at them while screaming loudly and they scattered. I never really forgot about him, he was my saviour, but I never got his name because we weren’t able to communicate at all. I gave him my dolphin ring as a thank you gift, though, and thought that would be it.  The next time I saw the ring was about 10 years later, in his dorm room. It helped us make the connection.”

“It really came as a shock to us both,” Johnny laughs at the memory.

“It was fate,” Ten assures Jeno with deep-rooted conviction. “If you’re meant to be with someone, no matter the twists and turns, fate will bring you together in the end.”

The words sound familiar, like something Renjun would probably say, but simultaneously, something clicks inside Jeno, like a lightswitch being flicked. It’s nothing solid, just a guess, but he can’t help but feel that he has to verify whether he’s right or wrong. He makes up a false excuse to Ten and Johnny that Renjun’s waiting for him and manages to leave quickly.

 

When Jeno gets home to his apartment, he’s not surprised to see the windows open in the living room to let sunlight and fresh air in. The sound of the radio and clang of pots and pans comes from the kitchen, where Renjun can be heard humming along to the song on the radio. Renjun has been spending more and more time at his place, as have Jaemin and Donghyuk, who come over after lectures or on weekends to play video games. It feels like their presence has transformed Jeno’s apartment, which actually looks lived in now, walls plastered with polaroids of him and his friends, scattered game controllers, and flowers - Renjun’s touch. Gone is Jeno’s safe haven from the rest of the world, but Jeno doesn’t really mind. If anything, it’s better to know that he won’t come home to an empty apartment and always has someone to go to when his day has been not so great.

The door locks behind him with a beep and, as he toes off his shoes in the entrance hall, he hears Renjun calling out from the kitchen, “Jeno, is that you?”

The other calls out affirmatively and when he walks into the kitchen, he finds Renjun chopping vegetables on the counter. He looks up at him from his work, a bright smile on his face. “I’m making naengmyeon for dinner. How was tutoring with Ten?”

Jeno feels his heart waver. Renjun’s so bright these days and he’s made Jeno’s days so much happier, that he’s hesitant to disturb the easy comfort they’ve slipped into. Still, it’s something that has been torturing him for months and Jeno’s only inches away from getting an answer. “Injunnie, I have a question.” 

Renjun stops chopping the spring onions and looks up to his boyfriend. He has a strangely downcast expression on his face. “I can only answer if you’re ready to hear the answer, Jeno.”

Jeno’s breath stops for a second. “Do you know what I’m about to ask?” 

Renjun drops the knife and comes around the counter to meet Jeno. His hand reaches up to touch Jeno’s arm. “Let’s sit down and talk.” And when Jeno looks hesitant, Renjun looks up at him with a sad smile. “Please.”

Jeno nods and follows him into the living room, where he sits down on the couch, Renjun curling up next to him. Despite himself, Jeno leans into his touch. It feels comforting.

“Jeno, look at me.”

He looks up and Renjun’s hazel eyes are unwaveringly fixed on him. “You can speak, I’ll answer anything you ask,” he reassures quietly. “Ok?”

Jeno nods. He takes a short breath before asking, “Have we met before? I mean, before that summer that we met at the festival.”

Renjun nods. 

Jeno feels like he should be more shocked, like he should be angry, but instead all he feels is an odd sense of relief. “You saved me,” it’s a statement more than a question. 

Renjun’s quiet laugh cuts through the thick air. “It took you long enough.”

It’s like a damn breaks and all of a sudden, the pressure is gone from Jeno’s shoulders and he finds himself pulling his boyfriend into a tight hug.

“Oh gods, Jeno are you crying?” Renjun asks with worry.

Jeno shakes his head, sniffling against Renjun’s shoulder and holding back tears although he doesn’t know why he’s reacting like this.

“How long have you known?” asks Jeno finally, still blotted against Renjun’s chest. His warmth and the steady rhythm of his heart are calming, “Did you recognise me?” 

“Not at first, no, but I had my suspicions.” He’s running his hand through Jeno’s dark hair as he speaks. “The gods sent me signs in my dreams around the time I met you. I knew that our meeting wasn’t pure coincidence and that we had a fate together.” 

Jeno’s quiet so Renjun taps his shoulder gently. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I thought you might figure it out on your own. Do you resent me for it?”

“No,” Jeno breathes out, realising that it’s true. Thinking back, he sees no reason to blame Renjun for keeping this from him. He’s just surprised. To think that his story has been linked to Renjun’s from the start, that the person saving him in his dreams every night had been Renjun. “Do you remember the day you saved me?”

“I do. It was an important day for me, the day that I found my path as a messenger of the gods. I guess you don’t remember it?” 

“Not really…” Jeno regrets. “Only pieces that I’ve gathered from my dream.”

“Would you like me to tell you how I remember it? It’s only my half of the story, but I think it’s important you ”

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

 

///

 

In those early days, Renjun was free to wander as he pleased, among the green hills and wild woods, following ladybugs and rabbits, going on adventures and discovering the world. His mother had been the one to introduce him to the forest, before she fell ill, taking him on walks just the two of them when they wanted to escape from the scrutiny and disapproving glares that surrounded them in their own household.  She had taught him to listen the rustle of the branches in the wind, to enjoy the warmth of the sun caressing his nape, to notice the smell of the wet grass when he lay down. 

These days, on his expeditions to the forest, he was alone, rarely accompanied by a sympathetic Minhyung, but it didn’t matter to him. Renjun had formed a connection with nature that surpassed whatever human relationship he’d ever had. He could sit and listen to the sound of birds for hours, could lay on the river bank until the sun began to set, could climb even the highest trees in the forest. 

It didn’t come as a surprise then that after he lost the most important person in his life, he ran to the only place where he had ever felt comfort and security. The forest, that had always been a place for him to be free and happy, became a place where he could let out all of his sorrow, as he sobbed quietly against an elm tree. He was a boy, only six, and his world had come crashing down so quickly. It felt unreal still and he didn’t understand why his mother had left him, why she had broken her promise and left him alone to face all of the familial pressure and judgment. If he didn’t have her by his side to remind him that he wasn’t an ‘impure’ child, would he forget and lose himself as well?

When tears of confusion and anger had dried out to leave him with an acute sense of hollowness, he heard the rustle of a bush nearby. He was about to dismiss it as the sound of a pheasant or a rabbit when he heard another, more surprising, noise: the ringing of a bell, pure and clear in the still air. He was too far from the village for it to be the temple bells. Wiping at his tear-stained cheeks with his sleeves, Renjun gathered a shaky breath and peered around the tree trunk. What he saw was, against all laws of reason, a white fox, staring straight at him with piercing gold eyes. It waited patiently as Renjun got to his feet.

“Oon?” The deity's name had escaped his lips without a second thought, but, even as the fox continued to stare at him without any reaction to the name, Renjun knew that this was the only possible explanation. His grandmother had described to him how the village protector had appeared to her twice over her lifetime. He knew it was a gift bestowed only upon their family, but also that it happened rarely because Oon only appeared in cases of extreme urgency. He had once appeared to warn his grandmother of a fire that would destroy a third of the village and had served as a guide to his grandmother when she had found one of the Kim daughters that had strayed too far in the woods and had gotten lost at nightfall. Oon’s presence meant that there was an emergency which required Renjun’s attention.

The god, in his corporeal form, turned away from Renjun and began to trot away. The boy stood still in a moment of hesitation, but, aware of the god’s desires, he set off after him. The white fox led him through twists and turns in the forest and when Renjun stepped through bushes to find the river, he saw that the fox had disappeared. 

On the other side of the river, there was a small cliff and at the edge, a figure, that of a young boy. Renjun was about to call out to him when suddenly, a loud rumble resonated in the air and the ground gave way. The boy fell backwards with a loud cry, landing in the river with a loud splash and Renjun realised that the river was much deeper in this spot than he had first imagined it to be. He quickly scrambled down to the river bank and, without a second thought, dove into the water.

He had learned how to swim at the same time he learned to walk and he moves in the water like a fish, barely feeling the near freezing temperature of the water. He spots a bob of brown hair, struggling to keep above the water near the other side, he thinks he hears some cries for help, but then those abruptly come to a stop as the boy seems to sink under the water. Renjun moves in his direction and when he feels smooth skin brush against his thigh, he knows he’s found him. Taking in a lungful of air, he dives beneath the surface. The boy’s body is sinking slowly, almost touching the bottom,  and he’s not moving, not even when Renjun passes his neck under his arm, holding him by the waist so that he can he make his way to the surface, pulling the boy along, tugging on his clothes.

Somehow Renjun manages to get the boy’s body back to the river bank and lays him out on the grass. He’s pale, eyes closed, and, when Renjun leans in closely to listen to his breathing, he can barely hear a wisp of breath remaining. He’s about to pinch the boy’s nose and lean down to give rescue breaths when suddenly a loud cough comes from the boy and his eyes shoot open. Renjun quickly help him sit up so that he’s able to cough up the water and when he’s done, he’s taking in large breaths successively, close to hyperventilating.

“Relax,” Renjun tries to soothe him. “You have to calm down, focus on breathing slowly. Inhale… Exhale… ” 

The other boy nods in understanding. He closes his eyes and manages to gradually slow down his breathing. 

In the distance, Renjun hears people calling out a name, seemingly nearby. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a glint of the white fox’s fur in the bushes and knows what he has to do. 

“You’re safe now,” he tells the boy in front of him, “Someone will come soon, but I need to go now.”

The brown-haired boy still seems dazed, speaking for the first time, but unable to form a sentence, “But… You… I don’t know who…”

Renjun smiles down at him kindly, then, before the other has the chance to say anything more, he disappears into the bushes where he saw Oon moments ago.  

Hidden from sight, he lingers for a while, waiting until several adult figures find the boy, crowding around him and talking loudly, seemingly relieved. 

The boy he has saved still looks dazed, looking around cluelessly, as if trying to find his saviour, and it almost make Renjun wish he’d stayed longer to get his name.

However, he has a small piece of certainty in his heart that tells him this is not the last time he will meet that boy.

 

///

 

The thing about the city, with its huge cement walls and polluted sky, is that it saps your soul, little by little. It’s so hard, Jeno finds, to keep his individuality, not when society want you to fit into this cube box it has designed. Students study to get into university, university students study to get a job in a good firm, and the firm employees live their lives as slaves, living in order to work rather than working in order to live. At first Jeno didn’t fit in the box, he tried to stay loyal to his beliefs, to his own dreams. But the city wore him down little by little. It always wins.

Jeno knows his smiles look easy and his joy is contagious, but the happiness serves as a front, disguising his insecurities, protecting him from outside criticism and judgment. Jeno guesses he has that in common with Renjun, not being able to live the way he wants, being forced to put on a mask every day. 

Renjun changes everything. When they’re together, Jeno feels the pressure disappear. In Renjun’s eyes, he doesn’t need to be anything more or less. Just Jeno. 

Admiring the peacefully sleeping figure next to him, Jeno hasn’t ever felt this happy, he’s certain of it. He presses a soft kiss to Renjun’s forehead, who’s leaning his head on Jeno’s shoulder. The other moves a bit in his sleep, blotting himself closer to Jeno.

“I love you, Injunnie,” Jeno whispers before turning back to the window where scenes of fields and forests are flying past outside the train. 

They’re on their way back to the place where they met for the first time, that village where the border between the gods’ world and ours is the same length as a blade of grass. It’s the place where fate brought them together, but also where they were driven apart. Jeno’s scared. When he feels like he can only breathe with Renjun by his side, would he survive if they had to separate? 

But Renjun’s family, his home, it’s important to Renjun and Jeno understands that, which is why he’d convinced his boyfriend to go back. Even if Minhyung had assured them that grandmother Huang was ready to see her grandson and compromise, they know that there’s a strong chance that she won’t approve of their relationship and of Renjun’s choice to go to university to study dance and theology. Even if they don’t convince her this time, they’ll have to keep trying. Because what the gods have shown them is that, as long they stay together, they have the strength to keep reaching for the impossible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it feels so unreal, but it's finally finished! fun fact: the "flashback" section was originally a prologue and actually the very first scene i wrote for the fic, about two years ago.   
> for a long time, i felt really uncomfortable putting out a work that i wasn't 100% satisfied with, but all of the feedback i've gotten have been really kind and motivated me a lot. i know that i still need to improve, but thank you for taking the time to read this story and for almost 100 kudos! it means so much.
> 
> i have about 2 nct wip's that will surely see the light in 2019, so keep an eye out for them <3


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